Real life techniques to psychologically damage your kids

These techniques are real. And they work. I know. I have done all of them.
Real life techniques to psychologically damage your kids
  1. Forget to take off your mascara before bed. Forget to look in the mirror when you wake up in the morning. Spend an hour with the kids at breakfast time looking like Scary Undead Zombie Mother from the Black Lagoon.

  2. As above, but only this time one of your kids has a friend over to visit before you’ve had a shower. This one combines fear with mortification. VERY effective.

  3. Call out to your daughter “Darling, I’m stuck on the loo, can you bring me some toilet paper???” when she is on a Skype call to her best friend who can hear every word. (When your daughter’s friend says “Your mum is really embarrassing”, you know you’ve succeeded.

  4. Stroll naked behind your daughter when she is on a video Skype call to her best friend. This scars both your child and her friend at the same time.

  5. Be completely inappropriate at a celebrity sighting. For some reason, kids find the sight of their mother running towards Joel Madden screaming “Oh my god I love you!” super traumatic.

  6. Murmuring “GOD I’d love to do him,” in front of your kids* whilst watching said celebrity on The Voice.

  7. Singing along to pretty much any contemporary song in the car in front of your kids and their friends. Add some Gangsta hand dancing for extra negative impact.

  8. Dancing. Anywhere.

  9. Kissing the kids in public. Add a passionate “I love you baby girl/boy” and they will take days to recover.

  10. Swearing. Your kids may love to swear themselves, but hearing you swear is intensely traumatic. One little ‘F’ word and suddenly you’re living with the morality police.

*To clarify: You can murmur in front of the kids. You most definitely do not want to do Joel Madden in front of the kids. That is taking things way too far.

This story originally appeared on Life and Other Crises.

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