Having sex is great when it’s all going smoothly, but many couples are plagued by problems.
Pamela Supple from Sex Therapy Australia is here to answer your dilemmas…
No question is too hard or too sexy!
From boring bonks to embarrassing sexual secrets we tackle the questions you need answered.
My husband can no longer get an erection. As far as he’s concerned, our sex life is over. He refuses to see a doctor or therapist, but I’m not ready to end our intimacy.
Faye, 59, Darwin, NT.
Whether he likes it or not, your husband needs to see somebody about this because he might be suffering from prostate problems or depression. There are also cases where an over-consumption of porn could be the problem. Some men find it easier just to watch porn and masturbate because love-making is exhausting for them and they just want the stress release. In any case, make him see a sexual health doctor.
I enjoy using a vibrator during sex, but my husband’s jealous because he thinks the toy gives me more pleasure than him.
Liz, 36, Coogee, NSW.
It’s not uncommon for women to get so attached to their vibrator that they prefer it to their partner. They might say, “Just get the vibrator, darl, it gets me off quicker”, whereas he likes to seduce her. If it feels like he’s taking too long, learn to get out of your head so that you’re feeling sensations again.
Driven to despair
I’ve been married to my husband, Craig, for five years and he insists on having sex every day – sometimes multiple times a day. If I say no, he gets cranky. I really can’t keep up with his sex drive, and fear that this will make him want to leave me.
Hayley, 30, Newcastle, NSW.
Are you enjoying the sex? It sounds like at the moment you’re not. You need to be open and talk to him about this honestly. Turn the situation onto you and say, “I’m concerned that I’m not able to keep up with you sexually. How can we manage this?” It’s possible that Craig might also have a form of hypersexual disorder, which is when people spend a large amount of time preoccupied with sexual fantasies.
Since going through menopause, I’ve put on weight and my husband no longer wants to have sex. I’ve noticed him looking at other women and watching porn. He’s even told me he prefers thinner women.
Shirley, 62, Canberra, ACT.
Forget about him and put your own health first. Your husband has got to stop eyeing off other women. Depending on what type of porn he’s watching, he could be getting very false images of men’s and women’s bodies. If he’s open to it, have therapy because he sounds self-centred which can be a form of emotional control.
I’ve always wanted to use sex toys, but my husband Jake is completely freaked out by the idea. He’s very vanilla and, to be honest, that’s boring me. How can I convince him toys can be fun?
Jen, 42, Alphington, Vic.
Instead of trying to convince him, let’s look at why Jake has this point of view. Maybe he’s defensive because he thinks you’re telling him he’s not good enough. Try saying, “I know you’ve said you’re not interested in pleasure products but I’ve done some research and found some sensual ones that will enhance our relationship.” It’s important to say “enhance” rather than “make it better.”
My husband is a premature ejaculator, which means I never look forward to sex. He’s embarrassed about it too, and wants the problem to go away. Yvette, 30, Adelaide, SA.
Some men are born with premature ejaculation, while for others it’s acquired. If it’s the latter, then there are a number of techniques and exercises that can be put into place. Some doctors even prescribe SSRI, which is a mild antidepressant which can assist. This one needs to be looked at by a professional, who can assess the emotional aspects of your lives and how this is affecting the relationship.
My husband and I have been married for 10 years, and he’s recently told me that he’s bisexual and would like to experiment with another man. I’m concerned giving him my permission will spell the end of our marriage.
Rebecca, 44, Brisbane, Qld.
I understand why this is so confronting for you; but remember that if someone is going to leave you, they will leave – regardless of their sexuality. The most important thing here is to be 100 per cent honest with each other. You both need to be heard. There is the chance that if you don’t let him see another man he will suppress his urges until they come up again. Next time, he might see someone secretly, which will be worse. Sexuality is a fluid thing: just because a man enjoys being with another man doesn’t mean he’s gay. But if he’s seeing someone else, regardless of gender, he should be practising safe sex.