Sex & Relationships

A woman is asking for help from the internet: was she raped by her boyfriend?

“I know I should even break up with him after this, but I probably won't.”

A Reddit user is asking the online community if she was raped by her boyfriend after he had non-consensual sex with her while she was asleep.

The post begins by saying this was a throwaway account as the user, Olivinetree, wasn’t sure if she wanted family and friends aware of the event.

Very early this morning my boyfriend woke me up by rubbing himself on my butt. I made my “quit that, it’s annoying” sound and slept for what was probably just another minute or two before he was doing it again. I grunted more aggressively and he stopped again.

I went back to sleep and then was roused again (not sure how long I slept that time) with my boyfriend pulling my PJ pants off. I sleepily made another “stop it” sound, but it was pretty obvious what I was saying because my boyfriend replied, “Hey,” in this tone that suggested, “Just be quiet and let me do this, please.”

The woman explains that she wasn’t speaking because she takes medicine for insomnia which leaves her groggy in the mornings.

But the fact her boyfriend ordered her to stop complaining leaves her thinking that he could understand what she was attempting to communicate.

Despite being under the drugs I remember thinking pretty clearly, “Wow, this is happening. I’m actually being raped. I told him to stop and he basically told me to shut up.”

So I just laid there and let him finish. Afterwards he was acting like he always does after sex, as if this was a normal encounter. I just sort of sat there and glared at him. I eventually went back to sleep because it was ridiculously early.

The woman says that she doesn’t really “feel like she was raped,” even though she is a big believer in stopping if there is no consent.

I’m feeling that since I just laid there and went back to sleep afterwards with no problems I’m making a bigger deal out of it than it is.

I know I should even break up with him after this, but I probably won’t.

Basically, I was raped (I think) and don’t care all that much. My biggest concern is how little this seems to be bothering me.

As one Reddit user puts it, “Don’t feel like you have to ‘act’ or ‘feel’ like a ‘typical’ rape victim. People react to assault in all sorts of different ways, and only a tiny spectrum of that reaction makes it into the media.

“You feel whatever feels valid for YOU. Maybe you’ll always feel like this. Maybe it’ll hit you like ton of bricks later. Whatever you feel, it’s okay to feel that way.”

Another user commented:

“If your boyfriend took $5 from your purse without your permission, he’d be a thief.

“If your boyfriend drained your entire bank account at the end of the month, the day before rent was due, he’d be a thief.

“So, I think we can all agree that this was rape, in the technical definition. Maybe the reason that it doesn’t bother you is because you feel that it was more like taking $5 from your purse, instead of draining your bank account.

“Just tell him how you feel. Hey, what you did this morning – that’s rape. You stole something from me. I trust you less today than I did yesterday.”

Domestic abuse comes in many shapes and forms and if it doesn’t feel right, it almost certainly isn’t.

According to UNICEF, domestic abuse is the most widespread form of violence against women today. It has no boundaries and affects every community regardless of class, culture or background.

The reality is any form of threatening or intimidating behaviour from a partner is domestic abuse, explains MensLine Australia Program Leader, Randal Newton-John. It’s a crime of control which can cover many areas:

Emotional: like blaming, humiliating and manipulating

Verbal: like name calling and screaming

Physical: like threatening or actually causing harm, smashing property

Financial: like controlling money and jobs

Sexual abuse: including sex without consent

If you or someone you know is experiencing any of the above contact 1800 RESPECT //1800 737 732

The White Ribbon Domestic Violence Hotline offers 24 hour, national sexual assault, family and domestic violence counselling line for any Australian who has experienced, or is at risk of, family and domestic violence and/or sexual assault.

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