Research from the US has found couples who identify themselves, and possessions, using personal pronouns such as “we”, “us” and “our” are better at resolving fights than those that stick to the singular “I”, “my” and “mine”.
The researchers determined that the use of plural terms when discussing the relationship and conflicts within it was associated with more positive behaviours between a couple, such as affection, less negative behaviour and lower physiological stress levels during the argument.
The University of California, Berkeley, team found that words such as “I” and “you” were signs of marital dissatisfaction, the Canadian Press news agency reported.
“We found more ‘we’ language in older couples and in happier couples,” the study’s senior researcher Professor Robert Levenson said.
Plural terms, such as “we”, are “part of this invisible language that can tell scientists what’s going on inside a marriage,” he said.”Our thinking is that, using the ‘we’ words in that context can maybe help realign the couple, and help them to see themselves as being on the same team as opposed to adversaries,” a graduate student working on the project, Benjamin Seider, told LiveScience.
The study’s data was collected between 1989 and 1990, when researchers videotaped 154 couples during a 15-minute discussion regarding conflict in their relationship. Physiological state, including body temperature and heart rate were also monitored.
The study involved two groups of couples who were on their first marriage. The first group were middle-aged and had been married for at least 15 years. The other group was significantly older and had been married for at least 35 years.
The singular pronouns, such as “me”, were more associated with the negative facial expressions, body posture and tone of voice, researchers said.
“When the ‘we’ language was predominant, those 15 minutes were emotionally positive and physiologically calm, and those were also the couples who were most satisfied with their marriages,” Dr Levenson told the Canadian Press. Satisfaction was measured via questionnaires the couples were asked to fill out.
“It’s kind of like there’s no ‘I’ in team. There were lots of hints about this. This might be one way to strengthen the partnership,” Dr Levenson said.
The study was published in Psychology and Aging.
