Logies host Sam Pang leaves the stars in stitches with his hilarious opening monologue

Read the full transcript of the host's quick-witted speech.
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The 63rd TV WEEK Logie Awards have officially begun! Host Sam Pang kicked off television’s night of nights with a show-stopping opening monologue that delivered shock (and delight) to the A-list stars in the room.

Weeks before the big event, Sam promised TV WEEK that he was “ready to have some fun” with his opener. And as the first solo Logies host in 11 years, he certainly delivered.

Gold Logie nominee Sonia Kruger accurately predicted that he would bring some much-needed chaos to the glamorous event, telling TV WEEK she couldn’t wait to see what Sam would do.

“He’s going to nail this,” she said. “And in the process, I’m sure we’re all going to get stitched up and I’m looking forward to that. Because I think he’s very funny, and we need that element of danger that Sam brings.”

And boy, did Sam get dangerous with his witty quips and sharp one-liners. Scroll down to read the host’s full monologue.

Sam Pang is ready to host the 63rd TV WEEK Logie Awards.

Good evening everyone and welcome to Australian television’s night of nights. The 63rd TV Week Logies and for the first time since 2011, these words can be said – I am your host for the evening.

I would like to begin by acknowledge the Gadigal of the Eora Nation, the traditional custodians of this land, and pay my respects to the Elders both past and present. And I extend that respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples here today.

I would also like to acknowledge a win for diversity tonight. I am the first host in the history of the Logies to be half and half – half Channel 7 and half Channel 10.

Let’s be honest it just be great to have an Asian on Channel 7 who isn’t trying to smuggle live birds through border security.

Sam Pang with Home and Away star Ray Meagher in the Channel 7 Logies promo. (Image: Channel Seven)

Let’s be honest it just be great to have an Asian on Channel 7 who isn’t trying to smuggle live birds through border security.

Tonight we gather to celebrate excellence in Australian television. It is a long night but I will be doing my best to keep things moving, and there is one thing I can guarantee and that is over the next two days we are going to have a lot of fun, ladies and gentlemen. To the viewers at home, firstly, if you are under 25, welcome to free-to-air television.

It is a huge honour to be your guide tonight, but let’s just address the elephant in the room. Everyone watching at home and everyone in this room know that I was not Channel 7’s first choice to host tonight. So let’s go through the list of people that Channel 7 asked.

The Have You Been Paying Attention? panelist took fire at some of Australia’s biggest stars.

(Image: Supplied)

So Hamish Blake said no. Thank you, Hamish, I really appreciate it, mate, some of us have appreciate it, mate, some of us have a mortgage. By the way, a mortgage is when the bank loans… Don’t worry about it.

Julia Morris said no. Tom Gleeson said no. Kitty Flanagan said no. Mick Molloy said yes. And Chen Channel 7 lawyers said no. Shaun Micallef said no. Celia Pacquola said no. Shane Jacobson said yes before knowing what the question was.. Karl Stefanovic said yes, as long the show was held in a park in Noosa.

Dave Hughes said no, Sonia Kruger said no and eventually it came down to two, and then Rolf Harris died so here I am.

After being held on the Gold Coast for the last few years the Logies return to Sydney. Many people won’t know this but we had to make the move but the last year on the Gold Coast Tom Gleeson went outside during the day and caught on fire.

Tonight we celebrate the best of Australian television and what a year it has been. Heartbreak High number one on Netflix. Well, tonight is long, by the end of it you might be mature age students. But what are year, Mad as Hell, Fisk, Bluey has taken America by storm. Mystery Road: Origin, The Twelve, Colin from Accounts.

The standard of this country’s television is something we can all be very proud of ladies and gentlemen. And then there was Married at First Sight.

The host had the audience in stitches of laughter.

(Image: Supplied)

Which continued to be a ratings juggernaut in yet another clear sign that we may not make it as a species. Each week the show had a different theme. We had honesty week. Intimacy week. Here is a week I would watch – literacy week.

Actually, you know what that might have been a bit mean so for all of the Married at First Sight contestants sitting here on table 50. On behalf of everyone here tonight, I would like to welcome you tonight, I would like to welcome you to your last ever Logies.

Up for the most popular entertainment program is The Voice, despite Peter Dutton’s strong opposition to the nomination. The Block and Scotty Cam are nominated again for most popular reality program. Well done Scotty. The Block shows Australians what it is like to own their own home, making it the greatest fantasy series since Game of Thrones.

This year’s theme is the 1950s and I’m personally looking forward to the long-awaited return of led paint and asbestos to our screens. Nominated in the same category is I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here!. A wonderful show where we find out which Australian celebrities haven’t been adding to their super. Hey Kerri-Anne [Kennerley], how are you?

The Bachelor returned for its tenth season, well done Osher. This year we had three bachelors because of course when women are isolated from their family and friends what could make them feel safer than more men.

Alone on SBS is nominated for most outstanding factual or documentary program. Well done to everyone there at my old station for taking a huge risk on a show that doesn’t feature hit remember, breasts or Scottish locomotives. — Hitler, breasts or Scottish locomotives. Bold programs.

Pang’s fellow hosts also lended a hand.

(Image: Getty)

Survivor was better than ever over on Channel 10 and is nominated for Most Outstanding Reality Program. The challenges on Survivor get upper and tougher every year. This season the contestants were asked to name other shows they recognise the host Jonathan LaPaglia from. That was just for me. If you wanted slick you should have got Sonia Kruger and the vet.

Both Hamish and Andy were here to tonight. Hamish won the Gold Logie last year for the second time and is nominated again this year, and Andy… is mates with Hamish. No, not only does he know Hamish, he is the host of The Hundred With Andy Lee; a very, very funny show that sees my friend Andy trying his hardest to interact with ordinary people. How you’re not nominated for Best Actor, mate, I’ll never know.

LEGO Masters is up for most popular and most outstanding entertainment program. Congratulations. And the most recent season of LEGO Masters saw contestants take on their biggest challenge yet – building social connections and interacting with other human beings. And a win tonight would cement LEGO Masters‘ as Australia’s premier entertainment show and also provide some comfort after the unfortunate episode where five contestants were lost in a LEGO submarine challenge.. Just relax, Hamish and BricKman weren’t on board.

His opening monologue alone was Gold Logie worthy!

(Image: Getty)

A big year of farewell, Tracy Grimshaw, Carrie Bickmore, Leigh Sales, Shaun Micallef and of course David Koch. Kochie retired after 21 years on Sunrise, well done. There is no doubt that you changed breakfast television forever. Warmth, humour, personality, you needed none of those.

What a marvel you are sir, well done. The world of television moves on quickly. Kochie is only here tonight because he is Emporium’s plus one. And what would a Logies be without Karl Stefanovic, hey. Where is he? There he is on the Today Show table. Can’t quite… Sitting next to your co-host, who do you have this year, Karl?

No, of course, it is the highly respected journalist Sarah Abo who has gone from… Yes, congratulations, Sarah. Who has gone from comment comment where she covered the Russia Ukraine war and the conflict in Syria to the Today Show, where her biggest story so far has been covering the Gympie potato festival. That is a fun table, one to look out for tonight, it would be even more fun if Michael Clarke was on it, I tell you, Karl.

As we all know, the biggest award tonight is the Gold Logie and congratulations to the seven nominees, ladies and gentlemen. Let’s list them, let’s give them their moment. Hamish Blake is there, well done Hamish. The one and only Shaun Micallef nominated for the first time. Leigh Sales also nominated. Sonia Kruger. There you are. An amazing actor, Mark Coles Smith, nominated for Gold. Osher Gunsberg is up for Gold this year, and Julia Morris.

The ‘magnificent 7 and they couldn’t be more deserving. Two of them, Leigh Sales and Shaun Micallef were so good this year they aren’t even on television any more. I would also like to address some rumours that have been circulating about myself and Julia Morris.

Just relax, I love Julia. Well, things aren’t great at home. No, the story was that I may be joining her as the co-host of I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here! and I would like to put that to rest, that won’t be happening. As much as I love Julia, I think the last thing Australians who fought for this country want to see when they turn on the television is an Asian emerging from the jungle.

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