We recap episode three of The Bachelor Australia

Would you kill for a kiss?
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Welcome to episode three of The Bachelor Australia 2017. I don’t know about you guys but I’ve spent the last week just wondering what Mattchelor has been up to. Is he ok in the mansion? What if he’s hungry? Has Osher been feeding him? So many questions?!

Quick catch up for those who may have forgotten. Batchy J is looking for love. Everyone hates Leah/Jen. Lisa is prob gonna win with Elora a strong push to take home silver. Got it? Good, let’s see what’s up with our lovely ladies.

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Osher arrives and says he has a message from Matty – hooray! Leah can’t help herself and pipes up with, “Can’t he just pick up the phone?” Listen Leah, it might’ve been cute in the first week but your sass isn’t gonna fly tonight. NO ONE MESSES WITH OSHER M8.

Osher clicks it internally, detaches his neck from his body and makes a mental note to ask producers to remove her from the show.

“Run at me!”

Turns out we’ve got a single date on the cards. That weird ribbon woman, Ocarina or whatever, whose voice is VERY breathy and VERY sensual tells us it’s a big deal.

Laura ends up scoring the date which is good because I like Laura.

“Laurrrrrrrrrrrrra, you’re the lllllluckkkkkkkkkkkkkky laaaaaaaaaaaddddddddy.”

It’s another boat date and once again it’s nice and overcast. They chat about how great Sydney is and then the producers cut to THIS shot. Because it screams Sydney

Seriously, Sydney is so great. Where else in the world can you stand up paddleboarding with your dog?

They move to another (bigger) boat and we’re starting to see why Channel Ten found itself in financial strife earlier this year. HOW MANY BOATS DO YOU NEED BACHELOR?

Laura is nervous talking and Mattchelor is not digging it, this show is about him, so just shut up, Laura, OK? Matt gets his chance and ruins it with some sub-par “have you been in love” chat.

Back at mansion HQ the ladies learn that there will also be a group date. They’re all very surprised which is, in itself, surprising, Have they not seen this show before? That’s ALWAYS how it works. Single date, group date, cocktail party, rose ceremony. There’s a formula guys, memorise it.

While they get ready we rejoin Laura and Batchy J. The theme of the date is “creative” because Laura makes jewellery… yeah. Anyway they decide to draw each other because #tension. This leads to smouldering stolen glances.

Laura’s drawing of Matty is actually pretty good, while his drawing of her is borderline offensive.

Nailed it.

They go off for wine and cheese and do HEAPS of staring. It’s almost becoming Matty’s specialty, he just stares at them. Anyway, it would fully weird me out but it seems to work a treat on Laura and she lands the FIRST KISS OF THE SERIES, go girl.

This actually does look like Matty’s drawing now.

It’s a solid kiss and Matty is obv stoked with himself. Laura’s lip locking lands her a rose and she is def a contender now. Still weird how she kinda looks like Georgia Love but oh well.

With that done and dusted time for the group date – it’s Medieval themed, which seems perfect for this archaic show.

The 12 ladies on the date are competing for a spot at dinner with Matty. To win a dinner date they’ll take part in three humiliating events.

The first is catching a pig.

Welcome to 2017.

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Leah and Cobie win this weird competition and score the first two spots at dinner. Next up, a hybrid between quoits and sack racing. The ladies have to jump around in a sack and throw some rings on a hoop. It’s pretty dull so let’s take a moment to appreciate Matty J’s get up.

What are you looking at down there, Matty? Your dignity?

Lisa and Belinda quiot there way to a win and join Cobie and Leah at the dinner table.

Last competition is a good old fashioned match of medieval football. Elora kicks into fitness mode and is crunching tackles left, right and centre but it’s not enough, Elyse and Alex take the win and the final two spots at dinner.

Banquet time and Osher tells us there is rose in play. Then he leaves. Why can’t Osher stay for dinner? I bet he’s sitting somewhere in a production trailer eating a nut bar and being told to “keep it down.” So unfair.

Bored with the banquet, Matty decides to take Alix (body painter) outside for a chat. They talk about family, Alix says she wants someone with great banter so presumably Matty isn’t her type. But before he can prove that to her, Elyse jumps in for a little chat. She gets about five seconds in and then Leah – who is showing some serious grass cutting skills – interrupts.

“I’m working” – Leah.

Leah decides the best tactic to win the Batchy is to show her softer side, so she does a bit of crying, legitimately says, “I care too much” and makes Matty holds her for a bit. If you look closely she almost appears human. Someone give this girl a Logie.

After the banquet Matty decides he likes Alix the body painter the best and gives her a rose. She is safe. Go Alix!

There’s a lot more drama but really it all comes down to the proper rose ceremony and it turns out it’s time to go… OCARINA (Akoulina).

We loved you, but it seems Matty didn’t appreciate the lost art of rhythmantic ribbons. His loss.

See ya’ll tomorrow night for another installment of “Matty J Staring at Beautiful Women.”

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