Families are super awkward and weird, which is why in the real world, we keep them hidden away from whoever we’re dating until the absolute last moment. Luckily, that doesn’t fly in Bachie-land and tonight we’re off the meet the final four’s families.
In a WORLD-FIRST EXCLUSIVE, we’ll be grading each guy’s hometown visit on The Bachelorette.
First up, dust off your ugg boots and BYO goon bag, we’re off to the VINYARD.
Jarrod
HOMETOWN: THE VINEYARD OBVIOUSLY!
I mean Sophie seems pretty excited to be at Jarrod’s joint but also let’s remember it’s a WINE PRODUCING HEADQUARTERS. The sole purpose of Jarrod’s home is make wine for us to drink and be merry. M8, I’d spend a day pretending to listen to Jarrod if it meant free Pinot Grigio.
Jarrod’s mum opens the door and is deadset SO excited it’s like she’s just won $20,000 from the Cash Cow.
THANKS ALOT CA$H COW!
Sophie meets the rest of the fam-bam and they’re all tall and polite like Jarrod. The one cool thing is that someone has a baby (or maybe it’s a prop?) and Jarrod gets to go into full Dad mode to show Sophie how good he is with kids.
Sophie, here’s one I prepared earlier.
During lunch Sophie bangs on about how famous she is (don’t forget Bardot guys) and how she doesn’t want to date anyone with a profile. She’s sick of the limelight etc. Then Jarrod’s sister asks the question on EVERYONE’S lips – Why GO ON A TV SHOW THEN?
I met my husband at the RSL
It’s time to go and Jarrod takes Sophie outside to cop a smooch/drop a TRUTH bomb. He tells Sophie that he loves her (as if she hadn’t picked that up). Sophie takes it like a champ, they kiss, end scene.
FAMILY GRADE: B +
Jarrod’s family seem pretty nice but there was something quietly unsettling about them. They were a little too nice. It was like they’d just finished hiding a body so they were trying too hard to play ‘normal families.’ But still, there’s the vineyard.
Best Bit: Jarrod hugging his mum for maybe a minute too long while Sophie stood awkwardly. To the side.
Just the three of us.
Apollo
HOMETOWN: MOUNT OLYMPUS (Gold Coast)
We’re off to the Gold Coast and – much to my disappointment – Apollo doesn’t live at Wet n Wild. To make up for that he introduces Sophie to his ponies and after a spot of horse whispering (WTF) it’s time for dinner.
Should’ve gone to Wet n Wild
Apollo gives Sophie the heads up that his grandma is a ‘sht stirrer’ to which Sophie replies “A sht stirring grandma, what have I got myself into!” And that, ladies and gents, is the best line of the series.
We meet all Apollo’s family but it’s all a bit of a blur until we see GRANDMA.
Will stir your sh*t
Apollo’s family all seem pretty normal. It’s kind of weird that Apollo’s ‘best friend’ Scott looks like Gary Busey and I’m concerned perhaps Apollo is being groomed. He grills Sophie about the age difference between her and Apollo. POT CALLING THE KETTLE OLD PAL, Scott is early 40s at least.
The ponytail fools no one Scott. You’re middle aged
Concerned that Scott is stealing her sh*t stirring thunder Grandma decides it’s her time to shine. She necks the last of her port and kicks off. But #curveball, instead of being the cruel geriatric the promos made her out to be, she’s actually the best. Grandma Elly raves about what a legend Apollo is and how he’s the most handsome, Sophie agrees and then they cheers to Apollo. Best grandma ever!
Naailed it Nan.
FAMILY GRADE: A+
Apollo’s family completely killed it, his grandma was the perfect mix of elderly sass but cute and cuddly.
Best Bit: Apollo’s weird older friend Scott.
Stu
HOMETOWN: ON A BOSS BOAT (In Sydney)
We’ve heard a lot about Stu’s boat (and to be fair if I owned a boat I’d talk about it constantly and make it the background on my phone), but tonight we finally saw the boat. It was big.
Big Boat.
There’s no family to speak of as yet but they’re doing a lot of kissing and eating seafood. I mean lobster seems like a fair trade for loved ones.
Then, over some casual prawns, Stu drops this BOMBSHELL – he’s had a vasectomy. Sophie stares at him for ages and I’m not convinced she’s fully aware of what means.
Is that a type of prawn?
Once a producer explains it to Sophie, she is gutted. But wait, there’s more! Turns out Stu is still legally married! This boat ride is really kicking off.
You can be Mrs Stu: Number 2
Now that we’ve all got indigestion it’s off to meet Stu’s family.
Again they all seem pretty nice and the house is LUSH – Stu got money. The best part is his dad, Arthur, who just seems like he wants to have a nap and stop bothering with all this bloody Bachelorette rubbish.
Goodnight sweet prince.
Things heat up when Stu’s sister, who can sense her inheritance slipping away if that girl from Bardot marries into the family, starts grilling Sophie on her motive. “Do you want money?” she screams.
DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, MONK
It’s all really uncomfortable and eventually Stu steps in and tells errryone to chill.
FAMILY GRADE: C+
They’re very old money and I don’t think they’d be much fun to hang out with. Sure there’s the boat, but if Stu’s bringing his sister along then I’m out.
Best Bit: Probably the whole prawn-vasectomy situation.
Blake
HOMETOWN: Silicon Valley (Perth)
Last and very likely least, is Blake. Sophie heads to Perth and they make a beeline for the ice skating rink, because you know how Perth is famous for it’s ice?
They share a mid-skate smooch and then settle into the middle of the rink for a D and M. Sophie asks about his history and Blake starts speaking but I can’t concentrate because whenever he talks it sounds like he’s reading a book for the first time. It’s very distracting.
Anyway off to Blake’s family home and Blake’s mum is stoked because Sophie Monk is an Aussie celebrity! RUN FOR THE HILLS SOPHIE!
I seen her on the telly!
Blake’s family are WAY too keen and Sophie clocks it immediately. She’s been to a million meet and greets at Westfield and this feels all too familiar doesn’t it pal?
This whole lunch goes horrendously, Sophie gets grilled and is constantly looking to Blake for backup but he’s totally MIA.
FAMILY GRADE: C
A bunch of lovely Perth-onalities but all they saw was a famous person, not a future part of their family.
Best Bit: Probably Blake’s mum schnitty, it looked delicious.
Rose ceremony
Unsurprisingly, it’s time to say goodbye to Blake. It’s been a wild ride Blake, from that time you allegedly pissed in a pot plant to that other time you went ice skating.
Blake goes full tanty and bids Sophie farewell with an obnoxious “ciao” before wandering off into the night.
Best of luck in your many business adventures – once an entrepreneur, always an entrepreneur.
YOUR FINAL THREE: Stu, Jarrod and Apollo.
See y’all next week.
