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The Bachelorette: 4 reasons why I don't trust Blake Colman

Don’t go Blake-ing my heart.

By Thomas Mitchell

Well here’s something I never thought I’d say out loud - “I want to talk some more about Blake.”

Ever since episode one - which feels like six months ago now – The Bachelorette’s Blake Colman has been kinda like a suspect mole on your arm. You know it’s there and you’re a bit worried about it, but ultimately you know it’ll go away. And then it turns into something more serious.

That’s right Apollo, Blake may not be as benign as we first thought
That’s right Apollo, Blake may not be as benign as we first thought

To be honest, there have been times when I’ve enjoyed Blake’s snide sense of humour and one dimensional wardrobe.

Yeah this is from General Pants.
Yeah this is from General Pants.

Watching Blake and Jarrod butt heads has been my favourite part of this season and who can forget the infamous Pot Plant Gate. But now I’m concerned that Blake has figured out a way to beat the system and it’s bad news for errrrrrrrrryone, especially Monky.

Here are a list of reasons I don’t trust him. Spread the word guys.

1. He truly believes he’s an ENTREPRENEUR

In tonight’s episode the guys had to do a pie chart task. Such a delicious sounding task.

Anyway, Blake is smart and he knew what to put and where. AMBITION and ROMANCE were the two biggest wedges on his chart. Seriously ambition?

I know he considers himself an entrepreneur but in reality, Blake runs a temporary tattoo business, Test My Tatt in Perth. He’s hardly Richard Branson.

Pie Chart, more like LIE CHART
Pie Chart, more like LIE CHART

2. He uses the words “Game Plan” a lot

Since being in the bottom two last week, Blake has talked a lot about changing his ‘game plan.’ It’s a sinister term that makes Blake sound like he’s playing Survivor instead of trying to fall in love. He’s also been throwing around the words ‘tactics’ and ‘strategy’ - what a charmer.

PS You just know that when he’s alone Blake talks to himself in the third person and that's a huge RED FLAG.

Who’s the man? Blake’s the man! Blake’s the man with the GAME PLAN!
Who’s the man? Blake’s the man! Blake’s the man with the GAME PLAN!

3. He has a fake laugh

I can pick out a fake laugh from anywhere - blame years of working in retail and dealing with managers who love to crack lame jokes - and Blake is as fake as they come.

Every time Sophie walks into the mansion and says “Hey Guys” Blake busts out his hearty laugh and basically doubles over. Look, Sophie’s funny, don't get me wrong, but a common greeting is hardly a side splitter.

WHAT ABOUT THAT TIME YOU SAID “HEY”
WHAT ABOUT THAT TIME YOU SAID “HEY”
PLS STOP it’s hurts my funny bone SOPH! Haha you bloody comedian!
PLS STOP it’s hurts my funny bone SOPH! Haha you bloody comedian!

Laughing is important, in fact it’s one third of the famous LIVE LOVE LAUGH motto that we should all subscribe to. But if it ain’t genuine you’ve got a big problem on your hands.

4. He wears white dinner jackets

Unless you’re Sean Connery in Goldfinger or working at a high end Italian restaurant, the white jacket is a massive mistake. You immediately look like someone trying to look famous, which, to be fair, pretty much sums Blake up.

Once again tonight he busted out the white jacket and I’m surprised more people didn’t ask him how long till the canapes arrived.

“Hey mate, I’d kill for another one of those duck pancakes”
“Hey mate, I’d kill for another one of those duck pancakes”

To summarise

Test My Tatt is one of the worst ideas ever, I’d love to see Blake pitch it on Shark Tank but.

Also, Blake is dodgy and he’s finally starting to show his true colours. I hate to agree with Jarrod (on anything) but I think it’s time for Blake to get the boot.

Unfortunately tonight Sophie sent home polite James, presumably because he’s too polite and there was little to no chemistry.

But now only four remain and up next is the hometown visits. Will Blake the fake survive another rose ceremony or will Sophie finally see the light?

Stay tuned y’all!

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