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The Bachelorette recap: We rank the intruders

Fresh blood!

By Thomas Mitchell
You can’t spell intruder without the word RUDE and that’s exactly how it felt tonight when a bunch of old blokes rocked up to The Bachelorette. In a helicopter no less!
They are, we’re told, The Intruders. Four new men, who are slightly older than our current Bachelor blokes, are here to shake things up.
Feeling HELI-sad…standing on the HELI-pad
To be fair, turning up in a helicopter is pretty boss and these new (old) men already seem more like Monk-material. Where’s your helicopter Sam, where is it? It’s not parked in Bondi m8.
Anyway, the first GUY gets out and either his name is actually Guy or he’s so nervous he can only speak in gender.

Guy

“Guy”
First thoughts: Too polite, too British, got a real “IT WAS HIM ALL ALONG” vibe.
Occupation: Optometrist
Score: Eye don’t know, maybe 5/10
Maybe you can help me with this situation then?
Guy goes over to meet the guys and it’s suitably awkward. Sam doesn’t like him because he didn’t “look him in the eye.” Sam, he’s an OPTOMETRIST. All Guy does is look in people eyes, don’t make him work when he’s not at work.
Anyway, this argument is interrupted by the arrival of our next intruder.
Please welcome AJ, or as he’s normally known, Matt Moran from the telly.

AJ

Loved you on MasterChef
First thoughts: AJ seems quite nice, good smile, great suit. But there’s zero chemistry. Also he seriously looks like Matt Moran.
Occupation: CHEF! My case? I rest it.
Score: 6/10
Hello AJ, we won’t be touching again.
AJ is a dad and Sophie digs that, they seem to have a connection so watch this space. Fake Moran may end up being the man.
Unlike Guy, AJ gets a hero’s welcome from the #LadsLadsLads. It was almost like they’d all been split up on a night out at the pub and accidentally stumbled into each other again in the Maccas line.
Bro, we thought we’d lost you!
While AJ bonds with the boiz, it’s on to the next intruder.
Give it up for…Plays-With-His-Hair-Paul!
PAUL
GHD? Me?
Paul also talks about his hair pretty often. He mentions that it is long, that he likes to play with it and also that he grew it because he went back to uni. These are all things you shouldn’t say to someone you want to sex.
Paul then mentions, casually it must be noted, HE HAS FIVE SONS. I assume all that hair chat was just a red herring before he dropped the whole “I’ve got my own testosterone team” bombshell.
First thoughts: A lot of hair, a lot of sons.
Occupation: Uni student/breeder of boys
Score: 5/10 (one point for every son)
Paul then goes over to the guys where presumably he feels comfortable because he’s used to raising so many boys.
You are all my sons now
And last but not least – according to the promos and column inches – is Stu Landy, the man who owns all the pubs.

STU

How many pubs do YOU own?
Stu tells some story about how he once picked up Sophie on the harbor and provided transport to her and all her friends, BLAH BLAH BLAH, you can tell Sophie is frothing on how many free bottles she could punish if she shacked up with Stu.
Put it to my tab
First thoughts: It could be #StuLove for Sophie and Stu.
Occupation: Pub owner, nuff said.
Score: 7/10
Now that the old and new guys have all met, they settle in for a casual game of afternoon bike polo. Because The Bachelorette is nothing, if not relatable.
Jarrod is typically terrifying, wielding his polo stick and taking every chance to swing it wildly, as if to prove to Sophie he’s willing to kill on the polo field if it means winning her love.
Polo. Yolo. My next date will be SOLO
After this weird but strangely watchable battle, it’s time for a cocktail party. Stu seems to be getting a lot of airtime, so there’s a high chance he’ll be taken out the back and beaten with a polo stick.
Meanwhile, Guy just keeps cruising around the party asking everyone how they’re going. It’s odd.
"But how are you really?”
After Guy is done checking in with everyone it’s time for the rose ceremony.
Sophie says farewell to four men, whose names escape me. But they do all have ONE thing in common.
STRANGE HAIR
“It’s the split end of the road for all y’all”
Grandpa Paul is gone and so too are those three other guys. A sad day.
And yet we’re back tomorrow, to do it all over again!
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