TV

Seven Year Switch recap: Michael is playing with fire

It’s only episode two and already things are getting out of hand…

By Thomas Mitchell
Seven Year Switch

Welcome back to Seven Year Switch where marriage is just a game played for our viewing enjoyment.

The couples have officially switched now, so it’s time to see how everybody is clicking.

Johnny and Stacey are kind of hitting it off, Stacey really likes how Johnny doesn’t yell at her or wear camo. Both things Sarge does all the time. They exchange the fake rings and then retire to the kitchen to debrief about their respective partners/problems.

HOW ABOUT DEM APPLEZ?
HOW ABOUT DEM APPLEZ?

Sarge and Tracey are also getting to know one another. Sarge is wearing a hat inside which is very rude according to my grandmother.

They also exchange rings and then it’s time for Sarge’s fun chat about the fridge. This includes all the hits like “Hey, that’s my shelf” and “Please don’t touch my pomegranates.”

We get it Sarge, you’re very particular about the fridge.

"And this is where I come to cry..."
"And this is where I come to cry..."

Time to check in with Kaitlyn and Michael, who are having a little pool party.

This will 100% end with someone getting in trouble, probably Michael.

Kaitlyn digs the rig on Michael and spends a good five minutes talking about his body - “you have cute nipples.”

FISH OUT OF WATER.
FISH OUT OF WATER.

It’s far less sexy over at Mark and Felicity’s place. She’s doing her best to stay a safe distance from him while he’s trying his hardest not to seem too keen.

One thing they do agree on is that their partners are too fun and it’s way better to be serious.

“When was the last time you smiled?”
“When was the last time you smiled?”

And we’re baaaaaaaack with Kaitlyn who is massaging Michael. Who is….
Playing.
With.
Fire.
Mate.

“Yeah, Felicity would be cool with this.”
“Yeah, Felicity would be cool with this.”

Trace and Sarge are downing margaritas while Stacey and Johnny tear things up with a bit of monopoly.

Things get interesting when Stacey offers Johnny an indecent proposal - if she wins he has to share the bed with her.

Johnny loses - he obviously threw it - but before they head to bed they have a serious chat about their partners which turns into a fight. What a buzz kill.

Luckily psychiatrist Pete was hiding outside the house and is immediately on hand to deal with the crisis.

"I’ve been here all night..."
"I’ve been here all night..."

Stacey cries for a bit and calls Johnny cold and not welcoming. Johnny - sitting next to her - looks around and thinks, “Honestly, what is going on here?”

Psychiatrist Pete then drops another truth bomb, he’s got an iPad full of videos featuring all the partners sharing the one thing they’d never say to their partner. Pete, you’re just full of surprises.

Trace admits she’s not in love with Johnny which is pretty heavy while Johnny just says he doesn’t want to lose her but wishes she was a little more intellectual. That’s a burn.

Sarge says Stacey needs to get more friends. SIR YES SIR. She thinks that is ridiculous. In Stacey’s video she wishes he’d wear less camo and then some other stuff about their future.

Who needs friends when you have two first names?
Who needs friends when you have two first names?

Then we catch up with Psychiatrist Jo who has been pretty quiet this episode. Stop hogging the limelight Psychiatrist Pete, let Jo fix some problems.

She’s doing the same thing with her couples - Mark, Felicity, Kaitlyn and Michael. Time to bust out the CryPad and see some more confronting videos.

Kaitlyn is typically sassy and says she ain’t afraid to say nothing to Mark, her only issue is what’s going on inside his sensible yet sinister mind. Oh and she also says she’s going to up and leave unless he pops the question in two months.

Mark’s video is predictably dull, almost like he’s prepared a powerpoint of reasons why he won’t marry Kaitlyn. “Dear Kaitlyn, please refer to annex A in the attached spreadsheet as to why I don’t love you.”

Michael admits he is scared of breaking up the family unit while Felicity goes in for the kill. She says they have more bad times than good times and she’s unsure if she’s still in love with him.

Fade to Black. That’s all for tonight but there’ll be more Seven Year Switch next week. BYO tissues.

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