Seven Year Switch recap: We do NOT have relationship envy

This show makes couples therapy look like a walk in the park.

By Thomas Mitchell
Welcome back to Seven Year Switch. I know, I know, you thought maybe after 5000 episodes of Married At First Sight you might get a break from watching people throw a grenade under their love lives on national TV. Well, you were wrong.
For those who have forgotten, Seven Year Switch takes four couples on the brink of hating each other and switches them around. Everyone gets a new partner for three weeks and at the end of the experiment, it’s either make or break. It’s radical, it’s ridiculous, it’s guaranteed to take over your life.
Time to meet the people who are subjecting themselves to this intense scrutiny and perhaps unsurprisingly, they all seem a little odd.
First up, Queenslanders, Stacey and Derek. Derek is wearing camo, which I sense will be a theme. He also says “everyone calls him Sarge.” Oh, I think we’re going to have lots of fun, Derek, I mean 'Sarge'.
He’s ex-army (shocking) and together the couple runs a personal training business. Sarge believes their relationship is more of a business partnership with sex on the side. She thinks he is too social.
Love is a battlefield.
Up next, Johnny and Tracey from Adelaide. He’s a fly in, fly out worker which Trace is definitely not down with.
They’ve been living apart for the last year but decided to give their relationship another go... by going on a TV show and having an experimental marriage with other people.
Trace isn’t happy with how Johnny treats her and Johnny has no idea what he’s done wrong.
'Relax' and 'enjoy' - two words Trace never associates with Johnny.
We then meet the experts, Peter Charleston and Jo Lamble, who first pay a visit to Sarge and Stacey.
Hello, we’re here to ruin your marriage.
Jo and Peter both agree Sarge probably needs to ditch the camo because he keeps blending into the background. Oh and also this couple needs to address their work-life balance.
The experts then swing by Johnny and Tracey’s joint. Tracey asks the experts what happens if she likes her new partner, like a lot - everyone laughs. WHY?
Onto the next couple, Michael and Felicity. They’re engaged but the wedding is on hold. They have two kids and Felicity runs a business selling paleo treats.
When they fight Michael says things like “I’m sorry you're upset” which is universally known as the most annoying thing to say.
I’ll just put this knife down.
Michael has temper issues and neck tattoos. I’m not saying the two are connected. I’m just saying... he has both.
Peter and Jo rock up to see if they can fix this broken marriage. They believe the problem is that Felicity and Michael are more like mother and son, she’s maternal while he’s a teenager.
"My mum and I."
Last but not least, Mark and Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn is from Florida and Mark is not from Florida. Kaitlyn really wants to settle down and have kids, Mark really wants to not be on this TV show.
Mark reckons Kaitlyn is too clingy and we see him totally ghosting her phone calls.
Yeah, nah.
Jo and Peter rock up and immediately recognise that Mark hasn’t let go of his bachelor ways. He even has a man cave. Come on, Mark.
Time for the experts to play marriage mix and match. Tracey gets drafted into Sarge’s unit, while Johnny gets Stacey. Then Michael gets Florida fun-time gal Kaitlyn, and Mark and Felicity are left for each other. Let the games begin!
As the couples prepare to switch Kaitlyn is sure to pack her vibrator. Mark looks like he wants to disappear into the floor.
“Why was this in the man cave?”
It’s the morning of the switch and all the partners seem pretty sad. It’s almost as if they’re starting to realise this wasn’t a good idea.
Before anyone can protest, the couples are whisked away amongst a sea of tears and extreme close-ups.
“Just pretend we’re not here guys.”
Mark and Felicity are the first to meet and TBH they seem like a weird coupling. Mark is stoked though. “I like Felicity because she’s attractive and professional.” Be creepier, Mark.
Meanwhile Kaitlyn can barely contain herself when Michael arrives. She loves his symmetrical face. This will be interesting.
So symmetrical, like a tattooed bowling ball.
Trace meets Sarge and he is wearing - wait for it - camo! Tracey has a little turquoise number on.
Last to meet are Johnny and Stacey and there’s not much of a vibe there. Johnny looks unimpressed with this whole ordeal.
The couples are presented with rings and Kaitlyn forces Michael to propose with his beautiful, perfect, symmetrical face.
Sorry, was it Kaitlyn or Katherine?
At the same time, Felicity is not playing the ring game, at all. She says its disrespectful and she knows Mark wouldn’t do it… whoops.
That’s all we get tonight but rest assured there’s much more where that came from.

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