Barry Du Bois has revealed the “heavy” thoughts that keep him up at night.
Having been battling plasmacytoma myeloma – cancer of the immune system that attacks healthy bone marrow – since 2010, the father-of-two has plenty weighing on his mind.
Taking to social media on January 27, the 65-year-old opened up about his greatest fears for his children, twins Bennett and Arabella, 13.
He revealed he’s consumed by thoughts of, “Have I done enough, should I have done things differently, have I set my kids up properly and will they have the same opportunities as others?”
A father’s fears
The doting dad said he thinks “a lot” about whether he’s doing enough or could have done better for his children – a thought that he admitted “gets really heavy at times”.
“I know I have struggled at times with these thoughts so if something in these words feels familiar, it doesn’t mean you’re behind,” he wrote.
“It means you’re awake to what matters now. And that awareness can feel like pressure sometimes but it’s actually love colliding with time.”
Prior to having children, Barry says he “never had thoughts like this”, but parenthood “shifted” something in him.
“I want to see more of this life with them, I want to protect them from the parts of life I already know can hurt,” he wrote.
Barry said he wanted to share his thoughts in the hope that his revelation may help others.
“This feeling isn’t regret and it’s not failure, it’s love colliding with time,” he explained.
“And suddenly, the question isn’t how am I doing, it’s ‘have I done enough for them?’
“Many men carry this quietly because we don’t often hear men say: ‘I’m scared of not being enough for the people I love most.’”
Barry noted that what he calls “the provider instinct” can make love start to feel like stress.
“It’s so important to remember your kids don’t see or understand the balance sheet. They don’t measure us by optimisation or perfection,” he said.
Taking stock
Taking time out to reflect after a lovely school holiday break with his family, Barry said he came to the realisation that “fatherhood doesn’t just change what you care about. It changes how time feels.”
“Not because life suddenly gets shorter, but because it gets heavier with meaning.”
The former The Living Room co-host went on to reflect on how growth can feel like guilt.
“We can always see better choices in hindsight. That doesn’t mean we made bad ones – it means we’ve grown,” he wrote.
“And growth can feel like guilt if we don’t recognise it for what it is.”
However, he knows he’s not alone in his feelings of concern and urges fellow dads to acknowledge how they’re feeling out loud every now and then.
“Say it out loud (even briefly), ‘I’ve been worrying about whether I’m doing enough as a dad.’
You’ll be surprised how many men say: ‘Yeah… me too.’”
Fifteen years ago, Barry – who has been married to wife Leonie for 26 years – received radiotherapy following extensive surgery to stabilise his neck, after the cancer destroyed the vertebra at the top of his spine.
The star previously told the Cancer Council the treatment “saved my life”, and he didn’t need to start chemotherapy until 2018.
Still, the disease is incurable and something he will “continue to manage for the rest of my life”.
