Sex

How do you know if you are in a sexually compatible relationship?

Too much sex or not enough? Do you and your partner struggle to get on the same page when it comes to sex? here, sex therapist Somerset Maxwell uncovers your sexual compatibility.

Do you ever find yourself absolutely craving the touch of your husband, and feeling overwhelmed with rejection when you are palmed off? That casual comment, "It's been a long day, don't hassle me", can have far reaching ramifications for our self-esteem.

There is a real misconception about women always being the ones to turn down sex with that archaic comment "I have a headache". The reality is, women are sexual beings, and we are more in touch with our desires and needs than ever before.

So what happens if one of you is always trying to get it on, and the other half seems indifferent? Are you sexually incompatible with your partner?

According to The Kinsey Institute 18-29 Year olds have sex on average 112 times per year. 30-39 year olds 86 times per year, 40-49 year olds 69 times per year. So it is natural for libido to fall as you age. But, are you moving at different speeds to your partner?

The most effective way to figure this out is to take an inventory of how often one of you is asking and the other is saying no. If it seems a fairly even split, the chances are lifestyle, work, stress and children are getting in the way of you having a good time.

If upon reflection you discover that you are constantly initiating, or vice versa and still not having enough sex the chances are you are marching to the beat of different drums. So how do you fix it?

I always say that the first rule in relationships where there is an issue, is to talk about it. Sex is a sensitive subject so it is important to be tactful, and not sound as though you believe they are failing you. It is also critical to never compare yourself to others. Each relationship is entirely unique. Think quality and not quantity.

Secondly - make time for sex. It sounds very clinical and like a mood killer but it can actually have the reverse effect.

I told a client of mine to start making 'sex dates', and what she found was that all day both her and her husband were thinking about it and preparing for it. This meant that the anticipation often built up their sexual tension to such a point, that often they had sex before the date had even begun.

"Make time for sex. It sounds very clinical and like a mood killer but it can actually have the reverse effect." - SM
"Make time for sex. It sounds very clinical and like a mood killer but it can actually have the reverse effect." - SM

Making time for pleasure is not only about the sexual aspect. It is about maintaining and creating the intimacy in your relationship, it prevents one of you feeling rejected, builds your self-esteem, and makes you feel desired. Taking time to do this can only strengthen your relationship.

Of course there are many cases where men for medical reasons (physical and mental) can’t or won’t want sex which poses a completely different problem for their partner.

It is common for women due to childbirth, hormones or exhaustion to find it difficult to keep up with their husband/boyfriend’s sexual needs but it less common for it to be around the other way.

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