The Bachelorette: Stu Laundy finally gets a single date

“Don't you treat me bad, Don't you make me sad, Our love could be deep as the ocean” - 'Poison' by Bardot

By Thomas Mitchell
For those of you that don’t remember Bardot, Australia’s highest selling girl group of June 2001, shame on you. The Bachelorette Australia's Sophie Monk was a pivotal part of the group and despite Bardot being long gone, their hit song POISON lives on.
And the lyrics above seem like a great place to start tonight's episode as Sophie heads off on a single date with Stu Laundy. Even more fittingly their love COULD be as deep as the ocean, especially because this date is on a boat. Obviously it’s pouring rain and insanely overcast as per Bachelorette precedent.
Things are going pretty well, you can tell Sophie likes Stu(‘s property portfolio) and things go from good to great when they both realise they have two sisters and one brother. WOAH! What are the chances that they share an incredibly common family setup! ZOMG let's marry.
The Bachelorette producers pull a total swifty when they manage to bribe some TV dolphins to surround the boat - nice work guys.
Fun Fact - This dolphin was also an extra on Flipper
Eventually Sophie and Stu get down to business for a serious life chat. He basically says he’s been in love with her for 12 months, but surprisingly it doesn’t come across in a creepy-Jarrod way, but more of a charming-Stu way. He gives a dramatic speech about how “he’s here,” repeating that phrase a lot. Maybe he thinks Sophie’s got cataracts so he’s just reassuring her.
Still here
Unsurprisingly Stu gets a kiss and a rose. I think we can all agree we have a new front runner.
Now that Sophie has internally committed to becoming the next Stu Laundy she decides to host a big sleepover to tell all the other guys in person that they can go home.
To make things fun (and fulfil contractual obligations with the onesie company sponsoring tonight's episode) all the guys are decked out in onesies.
It’s been awhile since we’ve heard from Jarrod so here is a photo of him smiling.
Always watching, always waiting.
Speaking of Jarrod, he decides to take over cooking for the night, bringing his unique brand of intensity to the activity. He sees the boys having fun - a concept that is foreign to him - and decides enough is enough. Sophie wants a man, not a child. I mean she wants a child, but not to date. You know what I mean.
Who knew taco night could be so tense?
Before Jarrod can whisk Sophie off for a serious chat about his favourite things - vineyards, frowning and punctuality - the group decides to play a game. They all write anonymous questions down and throw them in a bowl - like a less sexy swingers party.
Inevitably this leads to the question on everybody's lips. Who pissed on Jarrod’s pot plant?
“What is your favourite Bardot song?”
Cue a truly excruciating feud between two grown men in onesies arguing about who may or may not have pissed in a love plant. ON NATIONAL TV.
As if this night hasn’t been emotionally exhausting enough, Sophie busts out another surprise. She has gone to each of the guys houses, broken in and stolen a cherished memory from their childhood.
Jarrod receives a hanky-sized portion of his beloved childhood blanket and tells a story about how he could never live without it. It’s kind of sweet but when he buries his head in it, I can’t help but believe Jarrod really is his own worst enemy.
Meanwhile Mack finally gets some alone time and you can tell Sophie INSTANTLY regrets it. He’s clearly been obsessed with her since the Bardot days (haven’t we all) and he spends 10 minutes just saying how gorgeous she is. It’s uncomfortable for everyone involved.
“I remember the first time I Googled you…”
Jarrod is moments away from a nervous breakdown but he eventually cops a rose. Sophie then cycles through the rest of men before sending home….
Luke - the guy she went on the surfing date with but who hasn’t spoken in 5 episodes.
Mack - the guy who freaked Sophie out a few minutes ago with the whole “I FEEL LIKE I’VE KNOWN YOU FOREVER” vibe.
Please return your tie pins at the door.
See y’all tomorrow!

read more from