As difficult as it is to imagine, children under three can't see things from another person's perspective, and don't understand, unless you tell them, that things like kicking and biting hurts. All they know is that it makes them feel better when they're angry or frustrated!
As we all know, telling a child she can't have or do something often ends in a tantrum. When you're tired, it can be difficult to stay calm and hold your ground, but by not giving in, you're more likely to avoid similar tantrums in the future. So stay calm and let the tantrums pass. When she's calmed down and lets you cuddle her, acknowledge her frustration by saying something like 'I can see you're upset', but let her know that the answer is still no.
If your toddler wants something, she'll take it - even if it's another child's favourite toy. All you can do is ask her firmly to give it back to you, return it and offer her another one. Distraction is probably the best tactic for young children, but you could explain that everyone has special toys, and that we don't want to make other children cry.
- Agree with your partner and your child's other carers about what's allowed and what isn't.
- Let her have her own way over things that don't matter.
- Phrase things positively. Try saying 'Let's tidy up' rather than 'stop making a mess'.
- Talk firmly and clearly rather than shouting - this only encourages her to shout back.
- Aim for cooperation rather than obedience.
- Never say 'maybe'. Think before deciding whether to say no or yes to your child.
- Don't wait until you're at the end of your tether before saying no. Try to pre-empt any trouble instead.
- Praise good behaviour and give lots of attention and cuddles.