It’s amazing how one little question can suck the air out of a room.
We know not to ask things like: Why did your marriage end? How much money do you make? Or, when did you first get Botox? Yet for some reason, it’s still considered perfectly acceptable to ask: When are you going to have a baby?
Granted, this question didn’t start coming up until my mid-twenties. Up until then, my life was full of conversations about travel, life experience, adventure and taking the road less travelled. They were conversations that made me feel powerful and inspired.
Then I turned 25.
Friends, family and even complete strangers started asking when I was going to have children. Ironically, this was also the time I was struggling with worsening endometriosis symptoms — pain, swelling and fatigue. For those who don’t know, endometriosis is a condition that affects one in seven women and can impact fertility.
Every time the question comes up (and it always comes up), I give a slightly different answer. I have a catalogue of responses: “We’re not ready yet.” “Maybe one day.” “It’ll happen eventually.”
What I really want to say is something closer to: “None of your business.” “Is that all I’m worth to you?”“I bet you wouldn’t ask a 34-year-old man the same question.”
Or simply, “F*CK OFF.”
Yes, I live with a condition that can make conceiving a child incredibly difficult. Patrick and I have had many conversations about what that might look like, and my heart goes out to every woman who has experienced infertility or is living through it now.
What frustrates me most, though, is that women have fought so hard for independence, education and equality, yet I turned 25 and suddenly my only value seemed tied to my fertility timeline.
I understand there is a window for these things. Trust me — I hear that clock getting louder in my own head every time someone asks. Yet I can guarantee the shame and pressure we place on women aren’t helping.
Maybe you’re building a career. Maybe you’re single. Maybe you’re in an unhappy or unsafe relationship. Maybe you’ve decided you simply don’t want children. There are hundreds of reasons people don’t have children, and I don’t think women receive nearly enough support in making those deeply personal decisions while navigating society’s expectations.
Then there’s the cost-of-living crisis, the sleepless nights, the vomit, living away from family, and the expectation that children should have no screens, no sugar and perfectly engaged parents.
Guys… you’re really not selling it to me.
I think I would make a great mother, and Paddy and I would love to become parents one day. Until then, I am so much more than a walking womb. My value is far greater than my reproductive timeline.
You never know why someone has or hasn’t started a family.
So perhaps it’s time we stopped reducing women to a single question and started seeing them as whole human beings instead.
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