When Kanye West wants to settle down and put a ring on Kim K’s finger, and John Mayer is happy to give up his womanising ways to please Katy Perry, it’s time to ask: is it possible to turn a womaniser into a committed boyfriend and, eventually, a dedicated husband? Experts say yes… and no. It’s all about tossing the ball into his court.
“Players are afraid of losing their freedom,” says Marni Battista, a dating coach. So put the choice in his hands by asking him if his player days are over. “If he feels in control, he’ll be more empowered to change,” Battista says. “If he’s really not ready to make the switch, you can’t do it for him.”
Relationship coach Chantelle Austin says there are various reasons a guy might be labelled a “player”: “He may not be naturally monogamous and will therefore will continue to “play” until he learns how to create a relationship with integrity, which may or may not ever happen. He could also have emotional baggage and until he resolves it, he will continue to play because he just can’t commit.
“Or the player may just not have met his 11, so to speak… But when he does, he will have played enough to be ready to settle down,” she adds.
So a guy who isn’t willing to commit to you right now might be ready in the future. And that’s when the ball is back in your court: should you wait around to find out, or head off to look for Mr Forever? It’s your call, sister
If you’re going to protect your heart and run for the hills, you need to steel yourself for what that entails – no goodbye nookie (or any form of sexual contact with him). Sure, he might be dynamite in the sack but when you have sex your body releases a chemical called oxytocin, which makes you fall for whoever you’re doing the deed with. And if you’ve already fallen for him, every time you get it on you’re just digging yourself in deeper – and that’s extremely counterproductive if you’re trying to rid Mr Right Now from your life.
If you’re willing to wait for this guy then play his game better than him. He’s going to be bored once the challenge is up, so if you want to give him enough time to fall for you, you need to be hard to get. In other words, use The Rules on him see the new rules for a digital age here . Let him know he has plenty of competition, keep your social life busy and don’t let him set up last minute dates with you. Sounds like hard work when there are plenty of guys at a bar on any Saturday night willing to buy you a drink
If you’re hoping to get your questionable BF to change there is a certain way you have to act in the relationship, says Austin: “Accept them as they are for a start, and be everything you can be in terms of a loving and supportive partner, so they can see what an awesome catch you are. And definitely don’t put pressure on them to commit. Players also generally like variety so you’ll need to be creative over the long haul to keep it interesting”
Give yourself a time limit and if after your deadline you still feel like it’s not going anywhere, it’s time to cut your losses. Make it clear that he needs to decide whether he really wants to be with you. A true player will move on to his next conquest if you give him an ultimatum – it might hurt your heart and your pride, but time is precious. While you wait for him to come around, you could be missing out on the opportunity for a great love with someone else.
What does it take to convert a player? We hit the streets to hear guys’ view…
Sometimes it’s actually something totally unrelated that happens at some point in a guy’s life that makes him realise he might have been mistreating girls, and that he now needs to change his bad behaviour and find someone that he really cares about. – Josh, 24
You really have to meet the right girl for you; she doesn’t have to be amazingly gorgeous, just special for you. If this one girl is still interesting every day, and she keeps your attention, then she’s the right girl for you, and you won’t want to look for anyone else. – Richard, 27
I don’t really think it has anything to do with a guy’s age, or where he’s at in life, as to when he settles down. All women will try to change men, to get them to settle down – and men try to change women sometimes too. I think it’s about finding someone you want to make a relationship work with, someone you want to changefor, more than the timing. – Giordano, 22
