What's the first thing every woman should reach for when they go into labour? A vibrator, according to new book Glow Mama. An incredulous Zoe Arnold examines the concept of orgasmic birth.
For most women, birthing a child is a chore. A really big chore, to get to the main event: a little person, a baby, your child. Let's not mince words: it hurts like hell.
A quick survey of my friends who have birthed without painkillers featured terms like "ring of fire" and "splitting in two" heavily.
One friend described her labour as a battle: it was my friend against the world, particularly her husband. When he came near her she screamed at him, shouting abuse loudly, blaming him for her current state. This is a friend who normally loathes conflict, and rarely swears.
Labour is a parallel universe, where you seem disconnected from reality, both enamoured and terrified of your body's capabilities.
I'm yet to meet someone who has likened childbirth to an orgasm, but apparently that's what we should be aiming for.
Self-labelled "glow-pilot" Latham Thomas, the beauty and brains behind Glow Mama — a self-help book that claims to be "a hip guide to your fabulous, abundant pregnancy", believes women can guide themselves to experience ecstasy in labour.
There's a lot of good in Ms Thomas' book: she emphasises eating healthy, plant-based food and credits yoga for giving her an easy labour.
But then she seems to lose the plot.
Enter "glow time". Yep, we should all be having more glow time. This includes having beauty treatments, massages, and long baths. Oh, and while glowing in glow time, we need to eat glow-foods like goji berries and maca root.
Oh, and we should chant ohms while staring at our naked reflection with love. I don't know about you, but with 25 extra kilos on board, I was avoiding mirrors wherever possible when pregnant.
It gets better.
Do you remember that moment when you realised you were in labour? That those pains weren't just Braxton Hicks? This is the moment your Glow Pilot believes you should start kissing your partner. Intimately and frequently.
Following on from the kissing, she recommends sex toys. This is not six weeks after your bundle of joy enters the universe, but while you're trying to push said bundle out.
I'm all for natural pain relief — but this seems more than a little absurd: "Honey, have you packed the nappies? The onesies? Oh, and my vibrator?"
Of course, so-called orgasmic birth is not new. The theory behind it is that we release the same hormones in lovemaking and labour, therefore extreme pleasure is possible.
But can anyone aim for this? Only if they have extremely low expectations.
Labour is just that: labour. Bloody hard work that no amount of goji berries or yoga will prepare you for. It seems in the modern world we're obsessed with removing pain, even when said pain is essentially natural.
Hate to break it to you, but childbirth hurts, ladies. Even when you've got your glow on.