20 things all parents secretly think while watching their kids' TV shows

Like, why is the Pinky-Ponk shaped like a giant breast?

It's OK, you're not the only one...
1. Why are the Bananas still friends with the Rat? After everything he has done to them, it makes no sense. Isn't TV meant to be responsible for teaching our kids important lessons?
2. What is up with Makka-Pakka's OCD issues? Why is nobody worried about him wanting to wash his friends' faces ALL THE TIME?
3. Where do the Wottingers go?!?
Hello, Wottingers!
4. Charlie clearly has some kind of weird toddler Stockholm Syndrome. Lola is the worst!
5. Ben and Holly would be nothing without Nanny Plum.
6. Likewise, Miss Rabbit needs her own adults-only spinoff.
Is there anything you can't do, Miss Rabbit?
7. You were so prepared to hate Sofia the First. I mean a little girl princess? With an appropriately worthy back story? With crossovers from other Disney shows? And the voice of Tim Gunn? Alright, alright, it's as amazing as it sounds.
8. Admit it: you think Jimmy Giggle is a stupid name.
9. Yo! Gabba Gabba is awesome, but DJ Lance frightens you a bit.
10. Is it just you, or would Hoopla Doopla make more sense with class A drugs?
Hoopla Doopla: Ummm, I'm confused...
11. Teenage Dora is even more self-righteous and sanctimonious than little-girl Dora. Which kind of makes sense.
12. Sometimes you randomly wonder what Murray, Jeff and Greg are up to now they've left The Wiggles.
13. You are sure of one thing: you would not like to be stuck in an elevator with Captain Feathersword.
14. You have no idea what LazyTown is about, and you find it staggering - not to mention weird - that your toddler seems to find it hilarious. Plus you're pretty sure there's some weird sexual tension between Sportacus and Stephanie. #JustWRONG
Eek factor: HIGH
15. Elmo needs to cool it with the whole "speaking-in-the-third-person" thing.
16. Actually, if Sesame Street could just be an hour of parodies of grown-up shows, that would be great.
17. Anyone who bad-mouths Small Potatoes is dead to you.
Admit it: you harmonise to the theme song!
18. You're 90 per cent sure Hoopla Doopla is Chinese government propaganda.
19. You let your daughter watch My Little Pony, but you'd sooner marry Joffrey Baratheon from Game of Thrones than let her watch Barbie.
20. You can't remember long division, but you'll never not know the words to that fcking Thomas and Friends* song.
"They're two they're four they're six they're eight..."
OK, fess-up. What else drives you bonkers or leaves you scratching your head about kids' TV these days?
Written by Lauren Sams
Lauren Sams is a mother, writer and author of She's Having Her Baby, which is available in all good bookshops.

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