Real Life

My secret abortion is destroying my marriage

My husband and I started living together in our teens and married young. Our lives were a struggle with me on a secretary's wage and Steve earning next to nothing as an apprentice mechanic. We dreamed of having kids as soon as Steve qualified and was earning enough money to support us all.
Life was hard for quite a few years. Our savings were tiny and I felt so frustrated every time we had some money, something would go wrong and we would end up in debt again.
When Steve finished his apprenticeship, the company he worked for offered him a job working overseas. The wages were incredible and tax free as well. The idea of living for a few years in an exotic country was something we couldn't turn down either.
The company's only conditions for sending us to the mine site in China was that we couldn't take children and if I became pregnant, I would have to be sent home. The area we were going to live in had very primitive facilities and wasn't considered safe for kids.
Steve hesitated when he heard the news - I'd always promised we'd get pregnant the minute he qualified - but I convinced him we needed the money. There was no way I was going to spend my life living in rented housing with a beat up old car. Trusting me, Steve agreed to go and we started packing up our life.
It was at that time I started feeling unwell and had been sick a few times at work.
I had a niggling feeling I knew what was wrong, but when I saw the two pink lines on the pregnancy test kit I was still stunned. A baby would ruin our chance to get ahead, Steve couldn't take the promotion and we'd never own a decent home.
Although a baby was something I desperately wanted, I knew I didn't want to raise a family in poverty and I didn't want to ruin Steve's chances of making something of himself. It was just too soon and I convinced myself that it would be easy to have a baby later on when the time was right.
So I went and saw my gp, explained my situation and was booked in for an abortion by the end of the week. I told Steve it was just "women's problems" and he never questioned me.
We flew out for China a few days later and started our new lives overseas. It was within the first week that I felt the pains in my stomach and noticed the funny discharge.
I tried to explain to the foreign doctors what was wrong, but it wasn't until a visiting American doctor came to our village that I discovered I had developed an infection in my uterus. He gave me antibiotics, but gave me the terrible news that because of scarring caused by the neglect, it's doubtful I'll ever be able to carry a pregnancy to term.
The devastation caused by that news nearly destroyed me and ruined every moment of our big adventure overseas.
It's been five years since we went to China and we're home again in Australia now. Steve's had his big adventure and has risen highly in his field. We've got an amazing house right on the ocean and drive a brand new landcruiser.
I've been pregnant four times now, but never manage to carry longer than four months. The anguish Steve suffers every time I miscarry is heartbreaking; he just can't understand what's going wrong.
Our marriage has become barren and rocky as we've both become fixated on having a baby instead of loving each other. I've realised now in my push to have the best of everything, that without a family, I've ended up with absolutely nothing.
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