Real Life

Six sneaky cleaners dish the dirt on what really goes on when they’re at work

Turns out being a cleaner can be a dirty business!

By As told to Take 5

From bonking in clients beds, stealing booze and stinky surprises these cleaners have seen, and cleaned a lot of messes!

Taylor, 29, Melbourne, Vic.
Looking around the walls of my crummy commission flat, I sighed.
I can't bring him back here, I thought.
I'd recently met a hot plumber named Jason on Tinder and things were going so well that he wanted to come over.
Aside from the fact my house was a complete dump, I also had two young kids from a failed marriage, and I knew Jason was looking for more
than just dinner.
For the past year I'd been cleaning the two-storey house of a rich couple in the suburbs, George and Sophie.
Their three kids went to boarding school so the house was usually empty.
I really wanted to impress Jason and knew he'd be wowed by the fancy home.
Feeling confident that they'd be out, I invited him over the following Tuesday.
Slipping into a negligee, I stretched out on the lounge, waiting for Jason to arrive.
"You look hotter than ever," he said the second he walked in.
"Follow me," I winked, leading him to the bedroom.
The ice-blue walls weren't exactly to my liking, but the four-poster bed with white curtains was truly exquisite.
Jason drew me close, kissing me passionately as he ran a hand over my breasts.
"We've got plenty of time," I reassured him.
I bonked in their bed!
It wasn't long before we couldn't contain ourselves and ripped off our clothes quicker than lightning.
The sex was pure ecstasy.
Better still, I'd even factored in enough time to wash and dry the sheets before George and Sophie got home.
"We should do this again," Jason said.
"Same time next week," I smiled, kissing him goodbye.
Now I had work to do!
By dinner time I was tired, but Jason's flood of texts made it all worth it.
Don't think I can wait til next week, he joked.
Me neither, babe xx, I said.
When we met again, Jason was on fire: he just couldn't get enough of me. And the feeling was mutual.
I felt so proud that my little plan had worked wonders.
Maybe we'd only ever be friends with benefits, but with a body like Jason's I was happy to take whatever I could get!
But the moment the sex was over, he was quick to take off.
I didn't even get a kiss goodbye.
Once I'd removed the evidence and returned home, I sent him a few texts.
A month later, he still hasn't replied.
George and Sophie have given me a bonus because they're so impressed with my work.
Yes, I feel guilty about bonking in their bed, but I didn't have a choice.
Helen, 33, Bondi, NSW:
My head was thumping as I vacuumed the office floors.
I'd been out on an all-night bender and had dragged myself into work after just one hour's sleep.
Suddenly, my stomach began to churn.
Knowing I had no chance of making it to the bathroom, I opened the drawer of the closest desk and vomited in there!
I was in such a state that I forgot to clean it up after.
I really do feel terrible for whoever was sitting at the desk.
I vomited in a desk while vacuuming...
Mandy, 44, Cairns, Qld:
I've got the one rag I use to clean everything: the kitchen bench, bathroom basin, bedside tables and dunnies – not always in that order!
I use one rag to clean everything!
Lauren, 28, Perth, WA:
I clean a hotel and sometimes men, usually the business types, have offered to pay me to do more than just clean their rooms.
There have been occasions where I've accepted.
Sometimes I'm paid to do more than clean...
Jackie, 54, Gold Coast, Qld:
I'd been cleaning a house for a month when I decided to help myself to a nip of the owner's whisky.
Each week, it became my little treat.
I soon realised I'd guzzled far more of it than I thought, so I topped it up with water!
One day, when I went to the bottle-o, I was shocked to discover I'd been drinking from a $500 bottle!
It was my little treat...
Lisa, 47, Canberra, ACT:
I'll always remember when Julie and Doug interviewed me to be their cleaner.
Desperate to make a good impression, I'd splashed on some fancy perfume my mate lent me.
But the moment I walked in the door, Julie started sneezing like crazy.
"My sinuses give me hell," she explained. "Another reason to get a cleaner – all those sprays set me off."
I blushed, realising my perfume was the culprit.
Not surprisingly, Julie didn't have any perfume in the house.
She wasn't fond of make-up either and liked to be as natural as possible.
I wanted to be a great cleaner for Julie and Doug...
The couple, in their early fifties, were a dream to work for and often left me little gifts like chocolates and candles.
When Julie's mum got sick, she had to fly back interstate to be with her while Doug stayed behind for an important work conference.
That week, I arrived and smelt something unusual: perfume.
A bottle of fragrance was sitting on the couple's bedside table.
That wasn't the only thing I found when I emptied out the bin.
I couldn't believe Doug was so careless.
As Julie kept going back and forth interstate, there were clear signs of another woman.
I feel terrible for Julie but I can't risk losing my job by speaking out.
Instead, I just have to bite my tongue and hope that the marriage sorts itself out.
I couldn't expose the other woman and lose my job!

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