Me: Hello?
Uterus: Yeah. Hi.
Me: What on earth are you doing?
Uterus: You haven’t figured it out yet? Seriously? I’ve been doing this once a month for over 30 years and you still don’t get it?
Me: Yeah, but you didn’t warn me this time. I mean, seriously? I’m in the middle of a park! With no supplies! Couldn’t you at least have held off till I got home?
Uterus: Er, excuse me. I did warn you. You’ve been depressed and cranky for three days.
Me: Oh yeah. Shit.
Uterus: How could you have not noticed that? What did you think was going on?
Me: I don’t know. I thought I hated my job, my kids were awful, and I had no friends.
Uterus: But four days ago everything was fine! Could you not see it was just in your mind?
Me: Well, things change. It seemed perfectly plausible. Anyway, it’s not my fault. It’s you. You need a better warning system.
Uterus: What, like a bell?
Me: No, not a bell, for god’s sake.
Uterus: A pain? I can do that, you know.
Me: Yes, I’m very aware you can do that. No. Something innocuous. Maybe a scent? The taste of strawberries? A minor visual disturbance?
Uterus: Scent? Visual disturbance? You don’t have a very good grasp of biology, do you?
Me: Oh shut up.
Uterus: Wow. You’re a bit sensitive today.
Me: Yes, I am. I’ve just started gushing blood in the middle of a park with no warning.
Uterus: I did warn –
Me: OKAY.
Uterus: Anyway, look on the bright side. You’re functioning properly. You are woman! With a capital W! You are Woman! Hooray!
Me: Yes, awesome, thank you. But I’d still be a woman without you, you know.
Uterus: Okay, that’s just nasty.
Me: It’s true. And really, I’ve had my kids. I don’t need you anymore. I’m perfectly content for you to stop functioning anytime. Now would be fine.
Uterus: Right, well, now you’re just being hurtful.
Me: Good. I owe you about 35 years of pain. Suck it up.
Uterus: That’s so mean! I don’t even know who you are anymore!
Me: I’m sick of you! That’s who I am!
Uterus: Okay, that doesn’t even make grammatical sense.
Me: Shut up! I’m sick of you bleeding! I’m sick of you contracting! I’m sick of you sending stupid hormones to make me cranky!
Uterus: Er… that’s the ovaries …
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!
Uterus: You know, you’re a very ungrateful person. I gave you children. I gave you life. You should give thanks to me every single day for the magnificent gifts that I have bestowed on you. Not berate me for the slight inconvenience of a bit of blood.
Me: Okay. I guess so. I’m sorry.
Uterus: Good.
Me: But really … why does it have to be so … messy? And inconvenient? And painful?
Uterus: I can’t believe you’re still complaining. Menstruation is a beautiful process. It is spiritual.
Me: Spiritual how?
Uterus: Because, Sister, it is the Divine Goddess flowing through your Sacred Chakra and out your Yoni, sanctifying your Anima and connecting you to the Heart of the Universe.
Me: Really?
Uterus: Nah! Just kidding. It was that or lay eggs, and that seemed even worse.
Me: I hate you.
Uterus: No you don’t. You’re just cranky cause you forgot to pack tampons.
Me: Whatever. Go away.
Uterus: No can do. But I will try to warn you more next time. Would breast tenderness help?
Me: GO AWAY.
