Every company has them, it doesn't matter where you work. Each office you go to seems to have the same types of people, with the same personalities as if there's some sort of pre-defined cast list for workplaces. Question is, which one are you?
They casually talk about the 20km run they went on that weekend as if it’s no big deal and often duck off to the gym at lunch for “stress relief” as they call it. Often seen getting around the office in their runners and gym gear, as if at any moment they’ll be called out to compete in a marathon, they can also be found mixing up tuna and salad in the kitchen. It’s not all bad though, they’re also the first person to offer you crazy vitamins you've never heard of when you’re sick, out of their extensive under-desk stash.
Their desk is a messy mountain of coffee-stained mugs and crumb-laden plates, and don’t even get us started on their desktop - which looks like they're creating some sort of mind map out of icons. They’ll forget every meeting and ask where you’re going when you get up to leave, despite the fact they received a calendar reminder five minutes prior. Even though they muck up a number of tasks due to their absent-mindedness, you can’t help but let it go because they are otherwise so delightful.
This person comes across as your friend but deep down they are so in the boss’ back pocket that at the first opportunity to throw you under a bus, they will clutch on to that opportunity with both hands. They will be extra nice to you in front of the boss too, so that when you try to defend yourself when the bus-throwing incident occurs, you end up looking like the crazy liar. Best to play nice but always be on guard with this one.
This is the person you get out of bed for, even when you feel like taking a sick day. Or if you do chuck an illegitimate sickie, you can sure they’ll back up your story 110 per cent. Quality banter, trips to the kitchen for tea (aka gossip session), and lunchtime adventures make this colleague one you love having around. If they ever leave, you can bet there will be a hole in your workplace heart.
Whether you’re sick, tired, hungry or stressed you can bet this nurturing colleague is there to lift your spirits and fuss over you – whether that’s with cold and flu medication, or just a sympathetic email. They’re the ones who are constantly baking, bringing plates of homemade goodies, which cheer up the whole office - who they dearly worry about as if everyone is their child. They're always making sure everyone is going home on time and drinking enough water.
It doesn’t matter what the subject is, this colleague seems to be a walking Wikipedia page. They shoot off “facts” that are rather questionable but do it in such a matter-of-fact sort of way that you start to wonder if perhaps they do know what they're talking about. It doesn’t matter if they weren’t involved in a conversation, you can bet they’ll involve themselves anyway. In meetings, they have an uncanny knack for making the whole painful process go a lot longer than it needs to be because they can’t help but provide commentary about every little thing. Exhausting at best, intolerable at worst.
If looking busy was a sport this colleague would win gold. Somehow, they how manage to look flat out all day but nothing really seems to be getting done. They’re masters at delegating and pushing back to make others do their work and more frustratingly, they seem to be a favourite with the boss – who’s clueless to their lazy ways.
It doesn’t seem to matter what the task is, this colleague has a way of always seeing the glass half empty. When change comes, they spend countless hours trying to convince everyone in the office that it’s a terrible decision. They seem to find fault in anything and everything - even when good things happen.
Every office has its fair share of politics and rumours and this colleague makes it their business to know every last secret. You can bet they know who's dating who, what everyone gets up in their personal life and when someone's about to get the chop - even before they do. They are the oracle of what's happening at the workplace and the idiosyncrasies of all those who work there. If you ever want to find something out, or want information to be leaked, you head straight to them. After all, they can't help but share all that knowledge that's floating around in their brains.
First one in and last one to leave, that's the motto of this colleague. When the boss asks them to do something, it's highly likely that it's already been done - or will be done at the speed of light. It's like they make it their unofficial mission to make you, the slightly inefficient one, look bad. It's not even like they try, this is just who they are - as if they are gunning for a gold star with every task they do.