I had a good chat recently with a woman who loves to make love with her husband, she said that she never refuses her husband, that she always comes from a place of "Yes!".
Apparently her mother had drilled into her that it was the best way to stay happy and connected in a marriage, and it was good advice - regular, quality love-making definitely strengthens a relationship.
I had to agree, I too like to say "Yes!" to sex (and when I say 'sex' I mean love-making not just intercourse, not even genital interaction) - and I'd love it if you could too and definitely not in a "just do it" kind of way. I want you to say "Yes!", not "Oh well, if I must" or "Ok, if you'll shut up about it" or "Well, OK. I suppose you did vacuum the house…"
I'm not asking you to say "yes" out of a sense of obligation or duty or as a trade-off.
I'm saying say 'Yes!' to sex because it feels good to be intimate with your partner, because you know that even if you're not really feeling it yet, if you focus on the beforeplay and then the foreplay, chances are you'll be having a pretty good time.
Then once the deed is done and you're both in that lovely post-nuptial state with all sorts of yummy hormones flowing through your body that are making you feel loving, making you feel happy, keeping you feeling and looking young and vital - well, then you'll be glad you said "Yes!" to sex. And you'll find it easier and easier to keep saying "yes".
It doesn't have to be a huge enthusiastic "YES!!!" for every encounter. It merely has to be a "yes" of openness and receptivity – more of a "Yes. Why not? Let's start and see where it leads..."
Then you need to be sufficiently in tune with yourself to know how you'd like to proceed. Maybe that's simply following the initiating partner's lead, or stating that you'd like a bath first or you need to finish some emails and "I'll meet you in an hour" or whatever you need in that moment to get to 'yes'.
Notice that I'm not using genders here.
In my practice I see at least as many couples where the man's got the lower desire as couples where it's the woman. We really need to ditch the myth that "all men are gagging for it and the woman are holding out".
Generally the higher-desire partner (HDP) isn't a sex-crazed lunatic out to use and abuse you. More likely he or she simply loves you and wants to express that love sexually. It's hard for the HDP to deal with constant rejection.
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Of course, if your partner is emotionally or physically abusive, you need to give a firm "No!" followed by serious soul-searching as to why you got yourself into such a relationship; and then seek out a respectful, loving partner to whom you can say 'Yes!'.
Fortunately in most cases though, it's more a matter of mismatch than of outright abuse.
If you're the lower-desire partner (LDP) you can use your partner's desire for you to get you in the mood.
Say "Yes" to their advances and allow yourself to be desired, be wanted, to be adored and worshipped! Be self-indulgent about it - "Yes, here I am, take me!" And in the process, naturally allow yourself to return the feeling when you feel it ...
Saying "Yes!" to sex is really saying "Yes!" to yourself as someone deserving of love, pleasure and adoration.
Saying "Yes!" to sex is saying "Yes!" to love.
Saying "Yes!" to sex is saying "Yes!" to life.
If you're struggling with these ideas and concepts then start slowly.
Start with the "ye-es..." of tentative possibility and allow it to grow into the enthusiastic "Yes!"
Give yourself time to grow.
This story originally appeared on LoveLife.