Dear Danielle,
My mother and my relationship has always been a bit strange, but I hoped that it would change when I had a child and we could be closer.
We don’t live in the same city so that makes it harder but I know many people have strong relationships with family whilst not living in the same town.
When she completely forgot my pre-schoolers birthday, instead of becoming angry with her I set up a weekly call, because I wanted to foster a relationship between them, not only for her, but so my child knows his grandmother also.
My mother seemed a little bit interested for a couple of weeks but four weeks in she just stopped and has made very little effort with my son since.
From, Let Down
Dear Let Down,
They say you can’t choose your family and it’s very true. Also, you can’t really do much more than you’ve done.
It would be awesome if your mum had a complete turn around and became the grandma-of-the-year, but if you’ve experienced a disconnect in your lives before you had a child, having a child is not necessarily going to change anything.
The beauty of having a child is you have your own little family now, and you need to make that your priority. Re-write the history books so your child never feels the parental disconnect, and if the time rolls around when you have grandchildren be the one to smother them with love, fill them up with chocolate and send them back to mum.
I’m sorry it’s not different, but you can better spend the energy on what’s really important. You and your family.
Dear Danielle,
A long-time friend of mine is going through a tough time in her marriage, with her kids and generally feeling stuck in life.
This has been going on for a few years now and I’ve been a shoulder to cry on during that time.
I haven’t given much advice, just listened, as I know she’s also seeing a psychologist for help.
The things is, it’s starting to weigh me down – in the years it’s been going on, she cries and vents to me over the same things for hours every time we catch up.
It’s getting to the point where I don’t want to get to together anymore because I’m not sure I can be sympathetic any longer. That might sound harsh but I just want to see her happy.
I don’t know whether my role as a friend is to just keep listening or dish out some hard advice and risk upsetting her more.
From, Fed Up
Dear Fed Up,
This is tricky, and I know this situation well.
I’m going to recommend some tough love. Not tough, as in your need to give her a piece of your mind about dealing with her crappy situation before she drives you crazy, but tough as in this is going be tough for you.
You need to bite the bullet and explain to her gently that you find it hard to see her so upset every time you hang out. Explain that it’s been years since you’ve seen her happy and if there is anything you can do to help her change the situation that she’s in that her making her miserable you will, but it feels like you always talk about the same issues and it’s hard for you as her friend to listen to it for years with no changes being made to help her feel better.
If finally giving advice feels right, you can make some suggestions of simple things that may give her a lift, or make her feel more empowered in her situation.
Or maybe suggest when you catch up you go to the movies or go for a brisk walk or run, rather than sit and talk about her issues.
Let her know you love her and just want her to be happy, and if you’re honest and speak gently from your heart keeping her raw feelings in mind then your friendship may be stronger for it.
Or you could just avoid her, and pretend you lost your phone.
Danielle is not a qualified counselor and all advice is opinion based only, to be followed at the responsibility of the recipient.
Do you have a dilemma or conundrum you would like to ask Danielle?
Drop her a line at [email protected] and she will endeavour to help you sort your life out.
