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Sex

Why I'm happy for my man to sleep with other women

I do get jealous, but it’s something that we discuss openly.

By Danielle Colley
Sometimes in relationships our sex lives can become stale and predictable, and whilst there is more information than ever available to help us keep our passion afloat sometimes the answer we’re looking for is outside the box, so to speak.
Majority of people find satisfying the needs of one partner is challenging enough, but others find that in order to gratify their own, or their partner’s needs, other sexual partners can play a pivotal role in the survival of their va va va voom.
Could an open relationship be the way to sustain excitement and elevated sexual awareness in your relationship?
42-year-old Dominique believes that her open relationship is the only way she can keep her sex drive under control. Her full-time partner, Miguel, fulfills her every desire except he’s a very busy man and cannot be there for her, physically, as often as she would like.
“It’s not about sleeping with multiple partners for me. It’s about my sex drive” she says with a cheeky laugh.
She and Miguel have been in a mutually polyamorous relationship for about six months but they are incredibly committed to each other.
“Polyamory is not about sleeping with whomever you like. We don’t have group sex or wild gang-bangs, but we both have other regular sexual partners that we have relationships with. My poly-partner and I have been together for 7 years. I care for him, but it’s only sex,” tells Dominique.
With this working open relationship everything is premeditated and discussed in advance. No random hanky-panky in dark sex clubs as one may imagine.
“If we’re interested in someone, either as a couple or on our own, we talk freely and openly with each other. Without full disclosure and honesty, this relationship would not work, but with this level of honesty regarding sex, it enables us to be incredibly honest about everything in our lives.”
The biggest concern about this lifestyle is jealousy. Many people struggle with the thought that partner is off doing the wild thing with someone else.
“I do get jealous,” confirmed Dominique, “but it’s something that we discuss openly. Insecurity makes me feel jealous and when my partner validates my place in our relationship, and tells me how loved I am, I feel ok with what is happening outside our relationship.”
Although both revolve around sex with more than one person, polyamory is not the same as “swinging”. Swinging often involves partner swapping or multiple partners at once and is generally a more casual arrangement.
When Raquel came out of her marriage in her mid-30’s she decided it was time to explore her sexuality. After finding a partner with similar interest to her they now hold their own swingers parties once a month.
With a total of about 15 people present, it’s just a free for all, provided everyone is consenting and eager.
“I don’t feel jealousy at all. I find our lifestyle liberating, even when my partner sees other ladies in between parties,” tells Raquel.
“I need to meet them and approve, but we love the variety of partners and meeting like-minded people. I would never go back to monogamy.”
Is it possible that open relationships are a more evolved type of sexual relationship, bearing in mind that human beings are but monkeys wearing shoes, not necessarily designed for lifelong monogamy?
Perhaps when it is working at its best, yes, but when it’s just an excuse to sleep around it create dysfunction and disharmony.
Scarlett’s experience of an open relationship was merely a relationship whereby her partner did what he wanted, screwed whom he wanted, and destroyed her self-esteem in the process.
Scarlett’s relationship had a very BDSM flavor to it, and she was happily submissive to her partner’s dominance. It was what initially brought them together.
Initially, other women were brought into the relationship for them both to share, but after a year or so living together he became obsessive about other women. She would return home from work to find him scouring the net for new girls and would barely register her arrival.
After voicing her concerns he set up a couple for them to partner swap with but he became jealous and aggressive if Scarlett enjoyed herself with the other man.
“If you are going to embark on this kind of open relationship, you need to be committed to ensuring that each person in the relationship is ok. The more people you add, the more people you need to look after.”
Sounds complicated? It is.
“I think three people is the perfect number, you can all play together. Any more and you split into sub-groups. You need to be emotionally intelligent enough to find the balance.”
Even though Scarlett’s experience left her emotionally devastated, she would get involved in an open relationship again.
“I would do it again, sure. I want a family, so that’s important to me in my next relationship, but physical expression is very important to me and I enjoy being sexually expressive. I’d like to have more options for that than just one partner.”
With all relationships the key thing to remember is clear communication with your partner. Boundaries need to be set and respected, and from there, who knows where your mojo might take you!

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