Welcome to the second installment of The Mattchelor.
Congrats for making it through the first ep and thinking “yeah this is the kinda TV I need in my life.”
You have a sickness, but I’ve got it too, let’s proceed.
This ep is all about first dates.
I remember my first date. Squeezing my pre-teen body into a Hawaiian shirt, I lathered myself in LYNX: AFRICA and took a girl named Melanie to see The Fast And The Furious.
Unlike the movie title, the date was Slow and Polite. We never saw each other again.
My point is, dates are awkward, especially first ones. So in Bachie-land, with twenty one thirsty girls and one terrified Matty J, the dates should be excruciating. Perfect.
The girls are greeted by Osher who comes bearing a single date card. OOOOOHHHH. Much like Osher Gunsberg’s hair, everyone wants it.
We are promptly told the lucky lady is…..Elora! Jennifer is srsly unimpressed.
Matty and Elora head off on a boat day, they have some really B-grade banter about how old they are.
We learn Matty is 30 and Elora is 27.
Luckily the producers organised some dolphins to breach the water, distracting us from how quickly this was going downhill.
Fast forward to swim times and it seems we’re due for another rig reveal.
Matty proves he is sculpted from marble and Elora is 100% dream girl. Needless to say this looks nothing like my first date.
They frolic in the water and it looks like an ad for a product I’d definitely buy.
Speaking of ads, Matty decides to take a photo and we get a nice long hovering shot on this product.
While the tension is through the roooooof, there’s no smooch. Back at Bachie HQ, the girls get learn that there is going to be a group date.
There is lots of screaming and a bunch of girls get called out, but most importantly Leah and Jennifer - who have formed a clique, similar to Trump and Putin - will be there.
And we’re back with Matty and Elora, who honestly are having some of the worst chat on record.
At one point he legit says “What are you thinking?” and Elora says “I don’t know.” Neither do we, Elora, neither do we.
I wish one of the 45 cameramen would jump in and be like “KISS, KISS, KISS.”
Eventually they fall back on a classic first date safety move - talking about their exes.
This seems to get Matty in the mood because then he busts out a rose and hands it to Elora.
Elora comes home and the Mean Girls (Sharn, Jennifer and Leah) are being straight up nasty as they grill her on the date.
“Are you in love Ebollllllllllla?” slurs Jennifer over a breakfast merlot.
Off to the group date and they’ll be doing an 80s themed photoshoot.
It’s all group photos except for Leah’s. Well played, producers.
Slowly the girls get dressed up but all that really matters is this.
Needless to say other girls are loving Jen’s outfit.
After a few happy snaps featuring Jen scowling in the background, she’s had enough.
Jen takes her lifeguard gear off, screams “Nobody puts baby in the corner” and jumps into the pool.
Dirty Dancing reference aside it's pretty spectacular and leads to some totally natural moments like this….
Onto the next group and Laura totally owns it as they recreate an 80s school formal - she’s fun, frilly and confident.
Matty digs it and he’s clearly into her.
Moving on, the next crew - Cobie, Simone and Tara - are dressed up as cheerleaders and Matty is a jock.
I mean hey, The Bachelor is nothing if not progressive. Simone steps her game up in this shoot and is a clear MVP. Ladies and gents, we have a new contender.
Last but not even remotely least is Leah.
She’s wearing a lot of leather so it’s clear she means business and once the date starts Leah goes in for the kill.
It’s so obvious that Leah is going to lean in for the kiss and yet when it happens, it’s still SO satisfying.
She gives it her all, really gets up in his mouth, like a mother bird trying to feed her young.
Luckily for everyone Matty shuts it down and everybody wins.
Back at the Mansion of Broken Dreams and High Pitch Screams, the girls are sitting around doing what they do best.
Waiting for Matty to arrive. Eventually he does, with muffins!
Everyone is happy. But then he asks Lisa to play a game of tennis. Everyone is sad. Except Lisa.
Turns out Matty sucks at tennis and he asks Lisa to teach him how to serve. You sly dog Matty, oldest trick in the Bachie book bro! Someone has done this before.
They play a quick game, Lisa obv schools him and then they just stroll away, leaving their racquets behind for any common thief to steal.
After (definitely not) working up a sweat playing tennis they go for a swim, because that's how most dates in The Bachelor end.
There is much flirting and then things get serious. Lisa says Matty ticks all her boxes but also she doesn’t feel she knows him.
It’s confusing logic to be sure but Matty likes it when Lisa says words so he gives her a rose. Game, set, Matty.
Time for the cocktail party and the Leah-Jen crazy combo are in fine form.
When Elora gets time with Matty J I’m almost certain they duck off to order a hit.
Elora then tells Jen that she isn't very nice and she has a dark side. Jen is super offended.
“I can’t believe you called me dark, that is so offensive, I am definitely not dark. I am bright and bubbly.”
With the nightly drama quota done and dusted, onto the rose ceremony.
Matty goes into full Mattchelor mode, handing out roses slowly while pausing at all the right moments.
It becomes clear that Leah’s attempted face lick may have backfired as she finds herself in the bottom two.
After some serious back and forth, Matty eventually decides to keep Leah because she makes for great TV.
It’s time to go….Kim Kardashian.
And that’s it for the week. What a wild ride, use this time off to reflect on what’s important in life with friends and family.
See ya’ll next week.
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