Seven Year Switch recap: the holidays from hell

Not a relaxing getaway in sight!

By Thomas Mitchell
Holidays are supposed to be fun. You eat too much, buy stuff you’ll never use and generally just relish in being away from your routine life.
But something tells me tonight’s episode of Seven Year Switch is going to make holidays seem like a hateful trip to hell. Because if we’ve learnt anything from this show - and we have, it’s very educational - then we know that nothing is as it seems.
Things start innocently enough, Sarge and Trace are going camping which seems pretty on brand for Sarge. Sarge says, “with my background in the military I managed to find our location easily.” Mate, everyone has Google Maps.
Johnny and Stacey Louise are in the Whitsundays. For those who don’t recall, Stacey Louise hates holidays. But she managed to crack a smile when presented with a private beach villa. Jeez, Stacey Louise, it doesn’t take much, does it?
Back with Sarge and Trace and it’s time to pitch a tent...ahthankyou. Seriously though they’re setting up camp and Sarge says “with my background in the military I have a tendency to take control.” Guys, did you know Sarge was in the military?
Operation Ruin The Tent.
Despite his years as a soldier, Sarge has no idea what he’s doing and the tent is a disaster.
Speaking of disasters, Kaitlyn and Michael have arrived in Darwin. Neither of them seems that impressed with the trip. Kaitlyn is weirded out because they’re staying in the exact room her and Mark shared when they travelled there.
And last but never least, Mark and Felicity. Last time we saw Felicity she literally stormed off the show because she had to share a bed with Mark. He was crushed, we were sad, it was very emotional.
And now….well, Mark still looks sad while we learn that Felicity has been living it up in her own hotel room. She says she feels guilty but really she just looks well rested, in fact, she’s glowing.
I definitely feel bad, like 100%.
Felicity then apologises and admits to Mark the reason she flipped out was because she doesn’t even share a bed with Michael. Fair enough Felicity, fair enough.
We jet over to The Whitsundays where Stacey Louise is teaching Johnny about dead skin cells, just to set the mood. As they exfoliate, Stacey opens up about her struggle with balance, admitting she works herself to exhaustion and then wants to disappear. Johnny gives her some solid, albeit unoriginal, advice, “Work to live mate, don’t live to work, that’s what I’ve always said.”
And now we’re back with Kaitlyn and Michael - they’re on some kind of boring swamp tour and it’s so dull that Kaitlyn can’t help think about Mark. She’s scared of losing him and she admits to Michael that no one will ever love her like Mark does. Hmm.
On the subject of Mark, he and Felicity head out to dinner in Thailand and talk turns to commitment. Felicity pushes Mark about whether or not he’s been engaged before and he flat out says “I don’t want to talk about it.” She keeps digging and now it’s his turn to walk away.
Proving that life is indeed full of twists and turns, it seems that Johnny and Stacey are having the best time so far - who would’ve thought! - as they live it up on a jet ski and play tennis. Best holiday ever. Soon it’s time for bed and it’s clear that there is zero chemistry between these two but quite a nice friendship.
Have you seen a less sexual photo than this?
Back at Bush HQ, Sarge is grilling Trace on her relationship and the conversation quickly descends into a yelling match. Trace stares into the fire wondering if she can use the smoke as a distress signal.
Send help.
Turning our attention to Thailand again where Mark and Felicity are pretending to enjoy each other's company. Mark reveals that he has in fact been engaged before but he called the wedding off. Ah, it all makes sense.
From Thailand to the Top End where things are getting wild between Michael and Kaitlyn. They stumble across a watering hole and decide to go for a little skinny dip.
“I feel so free” Kaitlyn, 2017.
It’s the final night of the holidays for all the couples are honestly it can’t come soon enough, this episode has felt like a really long, kind of depressing, episode of Getaway. But more like Getaway From Me.
While just yesterday it was all nude swimming and smiles for Michael and Kaitlyn now that they’re dressed and back in the car things are going downhill. Michael is wearing his best “TEAM RUCKUS” hat but despite that, he’s in a filthy mood and stinging for a fight.
His nitpicking is painful to watch and I actually found myself whispering “Get him Kaitlyn” as they started to fight.
“I no longer feel free” Kaitlyn, later on that day in 2017.
It’s here the producers leave us, on the edge of our seats. I wonder if Kaitlyn will leave Michael in the outback, nothing to protect him from the harsh sun but his bad tattoos and poorly chosen hat. We’ll have to wait to find out.

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