I’ve never seen an episode of Game of Thrones. I don’t have anything against it; it just feels like a really big commitment, especially now it’s seven seasons in. If there's one place to start, it's the massively hyped finale of Season 7... right?
I normally hate flashbacks because I’ve been watching the show for the last 8 hours straight and I don’t need any of this “last week on…” business, but this time it honestly provided so little context I hated it even more. They say the name Littlefinger (LOL) and then a child grabs a Donald Trump mask out of a bag and it all looks pretty threatening.
After the confusing flashbacks, we move to King’s Landing. I only know what that is because when I went to Dubrovnik, every tourist around me told me that “this is where Game of Thrones is filmed!”
I cared more about the fact I was yet to meet anyone in Croatia that wasn’t Australian.
A large group of soldiers assemble who have apparently had their penises cut off (??), and a guy overlooking the congregation becomes the physical embodiment of every guy ever when he says he doesn’t understand why they would fight a war without a penis because sex > life, am I right bros?!
A lot of important-looking people congregate with the small man dressed like he’s on Star Trek and the evil lady adorned with Versace hardware – nice.
Khaleesi/ Daenerys arrives on a dragon and everyone’s surprised? I know nothing about this show and even I know she’s Queen of Dragons.
Peter Dinklage vocalises how I feel at every single work meeting ever when he says: “We’re a group of people who don’t like each other.” Same.
Meanwhile, my UberEats arrives and when I get back there’s a bloody zombie on the screen. This is ridiculous – stay in your strictly fantasy lane GoT, leave the zombie apocalypse theme to the pros.
To defeat the zombies, they have to band together and Jon Snow apparently can’t tell one tiny lie about pledging his allegiance to the evil queen to literally SAVE THE WORLD FROM ZOMBIES.
Okay mate, that seems really selfish.
Also just learned that Kit Harrington is only 5’6 which has probably shocked me more than the zombie "twist". Wait how tall is the dragon lady then because she looks tiny next to him? This is really consuming my thoughts.
Dinkalge decides to follow his fuming sister to tell her that he’s thought about killing her multiple times – clearly a pro when it comes to talking to women.
More stuff happens but it’s a massive ¯_(ツ)_/¯ from me.
This place is way too cold and I hate it already.
The famous Littlefinger arrives – is that what his parents called him? Does he have a little finger? These are the questions we should be answering, people.
He says Jon Snow “bent his knee (?)” to the dragon lady because she’s hot and the redhead doesn’t understand how that has anything to do with anything – probably because she's still clearly a child.
I’m full of cheesy garlic bread and I just really want to nap and apparently this won’t finish til 10:00pm and I’m so tired and uninterested – help.
Men talk about their daddy issues for about 15 minutes and then, for some reason, an older guy beats the crap out of said boy who just divulged that his dad never loved him.
My attention wanes momentarily because my news feed is still littered with Mayweather/McGregor memes and I can only watch so many fights I don’t care about, and suddenly THE OTHER GUY DIES.
Three children host a trial where creepy Littlefinger gets busted for what could be serious crimes. Everyone seems to be pretty chill about murder and incest in this realm though so who knows what they could be.
It feels like it should be tense, but boy is it hard to build suspense when you don’t care.
I check my phone and he gets stabbed in the throat... every time I look down someone dies, so I can't fault them on action.
Versace lady emerges to tell her brother/ father of her unborn child (oh, okay) to stop strategizing because she was lying when she said she’d help the other Knights of the Round Table.
That’s what adults do Jon Snow, they lie. Be better.
After a bit she tells a scary giant with red eyes to kill him and he just... doesn’t?? What’s the point of hiring terrifying muscle if they won’t even kill people who slightly annoy you?
We find out Jon Snow’s last name is actually Sand and you can practically hear George R. R. Martin running out of creativity.
“What’s like snow but a little less exciting? Water? No. Rocks? No. Oooo, sand! Yeah, let’s call him Sand.”
Then we watch Jon Snow have sex with his aunty while we listen to a dry detailed explanation of how they’re related in the most monotone voice I think I've ever heard, and that's including my year 8 math teacher.
For real, are people so entrenched in this show suddenly incest is not only normal but encouraged?!
WATCH: Emilia Clarke doesn't bat an eye at having sex with her nephew but blushes at Matt LeBlanc jokes...
Siblings who look nothing alike sit in a room arguing who was more in charge of killing Littlefinger, but in a good way?
Whoever cast this show honestly shouldn’t have a job. What, they couldn’t even find two redheads for a bit of consistency? Dragons I’ll take, but I refuse to suspend enough disbelief to accept these two are sisters.
There’s a really big ice wall that puts the Great Wall of China to absolute shame, but then the zombie dragon melts it and the army of zombies descend on the town.
With the knowledge that there won’t be another episode til 2019, for me, that ending felt incredibly unsatisfying, so... sorry? A superfan that finale did not make.