The thing about being a prostitute is you need to go in with a plan. You need to get in, make your cash and get out. But it didn’t happen like that for me.
My life whirled in an out of control spiral until I reached a low that I never imagined I could get to. I lost everything, and it was only when I had nothing and no one that I realised I needed to sort myself out or I wouldn’t make it.
The nights were long and I needed something to keep me awake. Twelve, 13, 14 hours straight of ‘johns’ and I needed something to keep me happy and keep me high, and that’s when I started using ice.
I was a single mum of three kids under 11 when I got into prostitution. I was 33 years old and my job prospects weren’t great. My kids and I were living with my parents, and I told my dad and kids that I was working nights in a hotel but my mum knew the truth.
She kept my secret, still to this day, but I know that I have not made my mother proud.
To me it was just a job. The money was good, and I liked the lifestyle because it was a bit wild and fun and you get used to earning wads of cash in a night. If I saved that money, I could have gotten out, and maybe things would have been different … but I didn’t. I spent the money having a good time, or what I thought was a good time until the good times had me in their grip and I was lost in an ugly haze.
I was never ashamed of being a sex worker. I knew it wasn’t something to broadcast around because people would judge me, but to me it was just a job. Until the job got out of control.
I was using ice very regularly at work, and then after work. After three years of this life one of my clients asked me out. We started seeing each other outside work, and I fell hard for him.
I gave up work and I moved into his house, leaving my children at my parent’s house. He promised that we’d get set up together and then my kids would move in with us, but that never happened, and deep down I knew that was the best thing. We were a toxic mess.
We started having massive benders together. We’d stay up for four days doing a huge amount of ice and then we’d crash. The sleep deprivation alone was enough to make me lose touch with reality but the drugs just bent me out of shape. I lost so much weight and I just disappeared. I became a ghost. I never saw my kids, I lost the few friends I had.
My partner starting mixing multiple drugs together and he became psychotic. He imagined I was having sex with demons and things that don’t even exist. Out of nowhere he would slap me in the face for these imagined things that I didn’t do. He was very volatile and emotionally abusive.
I was with him for about a year when I left and I was thoroughly ashamed of who I had become. I was ashamed of how I’d behaved with my kids. I was ashamed of how I looked. I hadn’t talked to people about my life or my work for such a long time that I felt like I no longer existed.
I moved home to my parent’s house where my kids were living. I had been away for such a long time even before I moved out I was never around. Always working all night and disappearing or sleeping all day. My kids didn’t even know me anymore.
My parents had a European trip booked, but I couldn’t be trusted to look after the kids so they were sent to my sister’s house. My uncle came over one day and we fought and he threw me out of the house. That was when I hit absolute rock bottom.
I was 40 years old. I had no family, and nowhere, and nothing.
I had one true friend remaining in the whole world and I called him and he let me stay with him. He was just a normal guy not involved in any of the mess I’d been around, but he saw I was in serious trouble and he agreed to help.
I went cold turkey. I haven’t touched any drugs in a year and a half. I cut all contact with everyone from my previous life and I slowly started to rebuild myself.
I got a job at a supermarket and although I do miss the money from sex work, this money I make is good, honest money. It’s clean, and it helps me to live a clean life. I would never sell my body for money again.
I’m slowly building a relationship with my kids who are now 16, 14, and 11 years old. They lost a lot of trust in me because I wasn’t a constant in their lives and I didn’t make them feel safe and comfortable. Building that trust again is the most important thing in the world to me now, and losing it in the first place is my heaviest regret.
I’m working as hard as I can to get our relationships to where I want them to be. They don’t know much of my story because I honestly just don’t know what to say to my babies. They just know I was sick. Maybe one day if they ask for more details I’ll tell them but so far we haven’t really said much more.
In time, my friend who took me in and I fell in love. It’s the healthiest and most normal love I’ve ever had and it feels really good. I feel healthy and normal, whatever that even is.
I think my addictive personality landed me where I ended up, and I would not live this life again if I had the chance to do it over. I’m not ashamed of being a hooker, but the lifestyle consumed me and spat me out. I’m just moving forward so I never need to be ashamed again.
As told to Danielle Colley
